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October 28, 2016

The sky's the limit when you have absolutely no social awareness.

Halloween is supposed to be about getting weird for a day of frightening costumes and pagan rituals, but way too many people act annoyingly normal on the holiday. Do you have the guts to step up and make Oct. 31 stand out from the rest of the year? Do you have a complete lack of social awareness and emotional intelligence? Then we’ve got some ideas for you.

Go trick or treating among guests at the party. Take it really seriously.

Go up to people and cheerfully say, “Trick or treat!” They’ll probably laugh it off. That’s when you stare them in the eye and softly murmur “Trick. Or. Treat,” like a mob boss. If they nervously give you some candy, great. If not, stand in a corner sipping vodka and eye them down the rest of the party. Really creep them out.

Follow them home.

A few days later, show up at their apartment, still wearing your costume. Stand outside the door sipping the same glass of vodka. They’ll give you candy this time.

Physically sort all the guests by costume color.

Have you ever played a party game where people have to sort themselves by age or height without talking? This is like that, except no one knows they’re playing. You just find people with red costumes and manually move them to one side of the room, followed by orange, yellow, green, blue … But don’t explain what you’re doing. Get in a fight if you have to, but never explain yourself.

Bring a single poached egg for the refreshments table.

This one’s weird, but it’s subtle, so you need to make a big to-do for it to work. Get a really fancy, giant serving plate, on which you place a single poached egg. Bring it to the party and add it to the refreshments table. Better yet, put everyone else’s snacks on the ground, leaving plenty of space for your egg. Don’t let anyone put their snacks back on the table.

Make people explain what Halloween is. Insist you’ve never heard of it.

Wait around until someone says the word “Halloween.” Then demand to know what they’re talking about. When they start talking about death and monsters, be horrified. Scream and run around the room in circles. This will likely be difficult because there’ll be people in the way, but just plow on through them, yelling “GET ME OUT OF HERE WHAT IS THE MADNESS YOU’RE ALL INSANE!” over and over.

Set out a bunch of Thanksgiving dishes and serve everyone turkey.

Do you ever get the feeling that Halloween is too … Halloweeny? Then it’s time for you to bring a little Thanksgiving into everyone’s lives. Make a bunch of delicious Thanksgiving-style dishes, like turkey, apple pie, mashed potatoes … you know the drill. Order everyone to sit around a dining table (you’re at the head, of course) and serve turkey. Secretly lock and jam the door. Ask what everyone’s thankful for, and don’t let anyone leave the room until they give the right answer: you.