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April 26, 2012

Recently, intrigued by the play and film "War Horse", I have come the realization that horses will take over the world. This is no new ploy. This war has been waging for centuries.

1. Horses have four legs and are on average, quite large.  Being so large and overbearing, has given their species inflated egos.  Case in point, meet Sally Palomino and Sterling Stallion.  They are larger than the average of their species.  Sally is 28 hands high and Sterling is 31 hands high.  In correlation with their height, they are quite egotistical and bully the smaller of their breed. 

2. Horses are far too often portrayed as victims of war, or the heros of a situation.  Not only has this lead to uncertainties within other species as to whether or not horses are being given "unfair treatment", but cows and buffalos alike have been questioning why they can't be used more in film considering that they have four legs as well and can offer themselves as sturdy alternatives when needing to travel long distances and providing love to humans.


3.  Often, horses are portrayed as having human emotions. Although, this is a fact that horses can cry and talk (see Ed the horse for proof), they have widely taken this sterotype to the extreme.  Discussions within the HCW (Horse Councils of the World) have gone from friendly political discussions, to belligerent outbursts as to whether or not comparisons to humans and their vast range of emotions is demoralizing to their species or a compliment.  At this point, no conclusion has been drawn.


4.  Horses have overheard `talkins`on the farm about how delicious horse meat is and how after they`re put to pasture what will come of them.  Sally overheard farm owner Ted, talking about what`s to come of Sterling now that he`s getting frail from horse jumping.  Sally was so disappointed in this discussion between Ted and his wife, Mary, that she kicked their daughter in the head.  Once Margaret had been taken away to recover from the injury given to her, Sally galloped to Sterling`s side and informed him at once of this ploy.  Sterling wrote a stern letter to the mayor of the town about this travesty and Ted and his wife were later incarcerated.  Sterling now has full ownership of the farm and all of their assests, including them. 


5.  They are completely sick of eating hay.  All day long it`s one of the following: carrots, hay, salt lick, water.  They have indicated it`s like being in prison.  All they want is a nice steak dinner here or there.  They want to be wined and dined and laugh and talk amongst themselves, without having to appease humans and prance pretty for them.  They are free spirited and are wild like the wind, and likewise, graceful.  Horses have full appetites for all cuisines, except for the above mentioned prison food.  Sally paticularly likes veal shank served with steamed vegetables as she is currently watching her weight.  Sterling enjoys a good lager with nachos and lots of guacamole.  Their neighbour likes to follow Jenny Craig`s program and has food delivered daily. 



In conclusion, you`ll be sure to see more revolts from their species. They have had too many years of oppression and are mighty pissed about all the mistreatments and tomfoolery from the human race.  Be sure the next time you see a horse to be polite and tip your hat to it. It might save your life. Also, if you have time and are interested, you can go visit Sally and Sterling and plead your case to them.  If they are feeling lenient at that time, they may be inclined to put in a good word on your behalf.  


Note: No humans or horses were harmed in the making of this article.