It’s fantasy football season again, and that means soon it will be time to watch your carefully drafted roster go straight to heck in a handbasket! And why’s that? Because of the breakouts — those promising players who suddenly and inexplicably put it all together and start racking up the stats. Every season has its surprise players who perform above and beyond expectations, and 2015 will be no different — great news if you drafted ‘em; big-time bummer if you opted out! Here are our best guesses as to which dynamic players will help secure you some big fantasy wins:
Justin Forsett, RB, Baltimore Ravens
Expect 2015 to be no different for one of the biggest fantasy surprises of last year, Forsett averaged an astounding 5.4 yards per carry, a feat that put on display his powerful, gorgeous arms, which is where the real fantasy begins — pretty hard to not imagine those beautiful pythons being tenderly wrapped around you just as things heat up, right bruh?
Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Minnesota Vikings
Having had a less-than-stellar rookie season for the Vikings doesn’t mean you should count out Teddy Bridgewater yet. He showed some real promise in tough situations, and just thinking about getting caught out in the rain with him and kissing passionately under an umbrella — well, that’s maybe the best reason to have him on your roster.
Mike Evans, WR, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
If not for the Giants’ Odell Beckham’s incredible theatrics last year, Evans would easily have been offensive player of the year. As it stands, he’s set to have an incredible season not only on the field, but also in your dreams involving feeding him fresh strawberries and cream in a shared bubble bath.
Travis Kelce, TE, Kansas City Chiefs
Another 2014 rookie who, despite his limited field time, showed some amazing promise at the tight end position. Expect Travis to see a lot more downs this season, and expect your thoughts to drift to turning this tender young man into an expert lover with a firm but loving hand.
Brandin Cooks, WR, New Orleans Saints
The Saints will look to crank up the heat on offense this year, which will mean a lot more opportunities for the explosive Cooks. Look for him to produce a lot of extra yards after the catch, and a big, fat bulge in your soon-to-be stained pants.
Sam Bradford, QB, Philadelphia Eagles
After being snapped up by the Eagles in the offseason, Bradford should easily make it into the Top 10 quarterbacks in fantasy points, if he can stay healthy. But don’t expect a lot of blood flow heading downstairs due to this drip — he just doesn’t have what it takes to get some rock-hard granite going in the trouser department.
Matt Forte, RB, Chicago Bears
Can you just imagine this guy fucking you? Damn.
Melvin Gordon, RB, Sand Diego Chargers
We’re as optimistic as everyone else for this rookie’s first season, but we still think Gordon is being undersold. He’s clearly a workhorse RB, and mark our words, he’ll get a surprising amount of touches in his premiere year in the NFL.