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March 20, 2017

A step-by-step guide to protecting your prank reputation.

You’ve been planning your dope April Fool’s prank all year (maybe longer). On the most American of holidays, you need to protect yourself and your brilliant idea. Because YOU thought of it, not that dumb terrorist organization that claims all the blow-up-y stuff. Here’s how to make sure ISIS doesn’t rain on your prank parade:

1. Put your name on it.

Dropping a thousand water balloons from the Eiffel Tower? Write your name on every balloon in Sharpie. A jihadist proto-state and militant group can’t override permanent marker.

2. Leave a paper trail.

Covering a city bus in Post-Its? Make sure your address, phone number, and Instagram handle are on every single one of them, so your fans (and the authorities) know exactly where to find you — to give you a crisp high-five! Where they won’t find you? Controlling territories and cities in Iraq, Syria, Libya, Sinai, Algeria, and Yemen.

3. Don’t make any kind of bomb.

This is just common sense. You need to protect your fingers and pranking reputation.

4. Avoid driving a vehicle anywhere near people, even if it’s a fun clown car.

This is ISIS’, like, favorite move. Anything similar will feel like imitation, flattery, and an invitation for them to claim it as their own. Honestly, no one will be able to tell the difference — even if your intention is just to innocently spook flea market shoppers with an air horn playing “Rooty Tooty.” You can’t risk a terrorist organization widely known for its destruction of cultural heritage sites tooting its own horn on April 1.

5. Tweet about it immediately.

Again, April Fool’s pranks are a beat-‘em-to-the-punch game. Use the expeditious nature of 140 characters to your advantage to ™ your idea to cut your roommate’s hair in his sleep, while ISIS is busy uploading a 19 GB video of a soldier or journalist beheading. Lame use of bandwidth!

6. Report yourself to the FBI.

The fastest way to get yourself on a top 10 list is to go straight to the government. ISIS would NEVER do something so badass and counter-culture. Try to be responsible for your legacy, and not just for human rights abuses, war crimes, and ethnic cleansing on an historic scale. So, dial up the bureau and everyone on the 11 o’clock news will know your name — for being rad as fuck!