One, or both, of our two cats have started leaving me presents. There's nothing like coming home from work, and finding a big pile of cat poop lovingly left for you on your side of the bed. This has happened three times in the last couple of months. "I think the cats dislike you," my wife says, after the third time. Hmmmm, that hadn't occurred to me. Then she adds, "You might want to start checking your shoes, too, before putting them on." Duly noted.
Now, it's true I'm not exactly a cat person, but I've never done anything really bad to either of them. At least not anything to warrant these latest attacks. But I have been thinking of how to get back at them. I could return the favor. But they usually sleep on the sofa.
I get up one morning, and the first thing I do…okay, the second thing I do is pick up the toothbrush, put some toothpaste on it, and commence to brushing my teeth. Almost immediately I jerk it out of my mouth. "What the f***?!" I gasp. It feels like my mouth was being violated. I look at it in horror, and it takes me a few seconds to piece together the steps that led up to this:
1. wife went to the store yesterday
2. wife purchased new toothbrushes
3. wife replaced hers and mine with new ones
4. wife neglected to tell me
Upon closer examination, I discover it is one of those specially designed toothbrushes with two separate sets of bristles, each weirdly angled, with soft and firm bristles interspersed, aerodynamically designed, etc…Now, the last thing I want in my mouth, at 5:00 a.m. is something that looks like a goddamn alien rectal cleaner. There wasn't a damn thing wrong with my old toothbrush. It was well broken in and still had most of its bristles left.
It's been almost a month, and still, every time I brush my teeth, it feels like that first time.
Okay, this being my first amateurish attempt at a blog posting, I'm not really sure what to expect in the way of comments. "Do not post any more blogs!" might be one. "I've just unsubscribed myself from you. Now please go away" could be another.
Now I sit back, hold my breath, and wait…