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November 06, 2017

Jesus sticks his neck out and zombies on a hill. 17 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' S08E03 "Monsters"

1) Ezekiel’s Less Than Convincing Speech About Losing Not One Of Their Ranks

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“We will not lose one of our ranks,” is EXACTLY the kind of thing someone says RIGHT before they lose one of their ranks. But I guess I shouldn’t worry. They’ve got a can’t lose strategy of standing around, counting who’s smiling, and synchronized crouching. Wait, Ezekiek said they won’t lose one of their ranks again?! OK, they are DEFINITELY losing one of their ranks. Probably several of their ranks. Ugh, he said it three times?!? You’re going to lose all your damn ranks, Zeke! Next time don’t jinx it.

2) Rick “Peaches” Grimes

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There are a lot of unanswered questions about the sudden return of Morales, and all of them are about why he just called Rick “Peaches.” Is it an inside joke? Is it a reference to Georgia? Does he think this is a good nickname? Rick’s name is already one syllable, Morales! Any nickname would just make it more cumbersome to say! Looking forward to the 90-minute origin episode of Rick’s “Peaches” nickname.

3) Dr. Aaron’s First Aid

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Rubbing your back against a tree and tying your jacket around your waist is a quick way to fix a bad mushroom trip and apparently it also works for gunshot wounds to the tummy. Alright, make yourself comfortable, Eric. Here’s a gun you can use as a blanket, you’re about to start feeling very cold.

4) Jesus: Master Debater

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Morgan understandably wants to shoot the jerk who’s whistling, but Jesus reminds him of the dumb unilateral decision he made. When Morgan says that the decision isn’t final, Jesus replies, “Nothing is permanent except impermanence, so in that way I’ll agree with you.” Except that’s not agreeing at all. That’s saying, “Shit changes. But I’m right, you’re wrong, and I’m taking these assholes with me.” It’s a phrase most commonly said during divorce custody battles.

5) Rick Forgot To Mention T-Dog

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Rick managed to list almost every person he’s lost since the beginning EXCEPT T-Dog. What could it mean?!? It means T-Dog’s not dead. Because a part of T-Dog lives on in all of us forever. Gone but never forgotten. The one true Dog.

6) Rick’s Less Than Convincing Speech About How He Wouldn’t Shoot Morales

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Rick telling Morales he wouldn’t shoot him was less than convincing. “If the tables were turned, I wouldn’t shoot you. I mean, I know I wouldn’t want to. It would bum me out. I’d be mega bummed. I might even lose sleep over it. But I’d try to find another way! Like, if I was losing sleep after shooting you maybe I’d just take a whole lot of little naps. There’s always another way!”

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Aaaaand Daryl with the right idea, folks! He’s here to find guns and shoot dudes in the neck. And he’s all out of guns to find! I love that just like everyone watching at home, Daryl remembers this guy kind of but has zero problem with him dying.

7) These Walkers Look Like They’re Having A Great Time

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Gee whiz, these zombies rolling down the hill are truly living their best undead lives. What a fun afternoon they’re having!

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And what a NOT fun day this guy is having. It’s like Abraham Lincoln famously said, “Some days you’re rolling down the hill with your boys. Some days you’re getting your brain chewed on. My name is Abraham Lincoln.”

8) Jesus Christ, Jesus

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Morgan hunts a conga line of fugitive prisoners through the woods. And JUST when he’s about to murder the shit out of that whistling asshole, Jesus has to show up and ruin things. Uh oh. Morgan’s looking down at the ground? And he’s mumbling a whole lot of something about nothing? It looks like we’ve got a crazy Morgan on our hands. And crazy Morgan plus unreasonable Jesus equals WOODS FIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS. CATCH THE ACTION.

9) The Saviors Jogged Into Gunfire

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The Saviors in the back were watching the Saviors in front of them getting mowed down and continued to run directly into the gunfire. It seems like running in another direction, may I be so bold as to suggest the opposite, may have been a better idea here.

10) They Finally Ran Out Of Ammo

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After two and a half episodes of everyone shooting at everything all the time, and usually hitting nothing, Daryl and Rick finally run out of ammo. Nobody panic, Rick’s got a plan. He’s going to shoot this fire extinguisher which … would that work? I’m inclined to say it would NOT work, but I honestly don’t know enough about fire extinguishers and guns to weigh in here. Please use the comments to weigh in if you’re an expert on fire extinguishers and guns, I read all your comments. If you comment every week on the video versions of these saying the articles are better, I still post article versions of these recaps! Don’t believe me? YOU ARE READING ONE RIGHT NOW! Hope you were sitting down for that.

11) Jesus vs. Morgan

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Jesus is looking to be the first person in history to succeed at telling a crazy dude spinning a stick in the woods, “Hey, man. You need to chill out.” Guess what, Jesus? Nobody chills out when you tell them they need to chill out. Especially not crazy dudes spinning sticks in the woods.

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Thank heavens they were able to reach a peaceful resolution of Morgan violently jamming his murder stick half an inch from Jesus’ oddly long neck. Alright, later Morgan! Have fun pouting out in the woods, see you in six episodes.

12) Gregory Definitely Ate That Girl’s Pancakes

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Gregory tries to cover up his betrayal with a gripping tale about this car he found somewhere and now he’s here. What more questions could you possibly have, Maggie! After hearing Cal tell the story about Gregory eating some little girl’s pancakes, hen hearing Gregory’s side of things, I feel confident saying Gregory ate that girl’s pancakes. Welcome to season eight of The Walking Dead, folks! A storyline about pancakes is the best thing we’ve got so far.

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Ugh. Seriously? Come on, Maggie. After he sold you out to Negan? That’s definitely one of those times when “sorry” doesn’t cut it and he needs to die. For the record, I also think he should die for the pancakes.

13) The Hilltop Welcome Committee

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I love that Gregory, known pile of camel ass, decides to weigh in here. Saying this is not a sanctuary for killers, after he almost got everyone killed, then asked for sanctuary. It’s almost as cute as the summer camp for prisoners Jesus wants to setup in the corner with round the clock counselors and friendship bracelet classes every Tuesday. There will come a time for peace! And when it comes, we’re going to want to know how to make each other friendship bracelets.

14) Rick’s Polaroid Party Continues

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Rick might enjoy taking these pictures a little too much. Where is he getting all this film? What does he plan on doing with all the photos? I’m glad he has a hobby; I just wish maybe it didn’t involve killing strangers and photographing their corpses.

15) Rick Got Rid Of That Kid With The Swiftness

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Rick does what’s best for this baby and hands her off to a distraught crying man covered in his boyfriend’s blood. Daryl lays low in the background with the “maybe if I stand still nobody will ask me to get involved” approach to conflict resolution.

16) Let’s Make A Deal

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Listen up, Minkus. You tell Rick what he needs to know and he’ll let you take the car. You’ve got his word! He’ll even throw in a few Polaroids to sweeten the deal! One of them is of Daryl making a silly face. You’d be a fool to pass this up!

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Aaand Daryl once again with the right idea. I don’t know why Rick’s pissed off here. Daryl did NOT give his word. Also, I’m pretty sure I saw a bumblebee on that kid’s face. Daryl was just trying to scare it away.

17) Too Soon

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18) Glad Ezekiel is smiling about losing “not one” of their ranks on their journey of murder, but maybe now is a little soon to celebrate? You’ve still got a whole compound to sweep. That’s prime time for losing ranks. Ugh, did he REALLY just say “we or they” when he could’ve said “us or them” OK please shoot this guy he deserves it. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! What will Daryl say when he sees the prisoners at the hilltop? He’s going to welcome them with open fire. How many of his ranks did Ezekiel lose? Not one! Probably closer to twenty, but definitely not one. Will Gregory do something stupid that gets everyone killed? Yes, but only after a hearty breakfast of some kid’s food. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S08E04 of The Walking Dead!

Here’s the video version of this week’s recap. See you next Monday!