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December 18, 2008


It's that time of year! Critics are releasing their lists of the best and worst films of 2008! Of course, I'm not a film critic, so technically there's no journalistic standards I have to follow. (Like actually bothering to see a movie before I judge it.) So here's the list of the top movies of 2008 that I was aware of, but didn't care to see:

Do you really claim to tell "the story" of an entire continent? OK, I'll bite. So at least it's one of the five not-bullshit continents, right? Oh, shit. Sorry, then no.

Babylon A.D.
Vin Diesel walks through a darkened urban alley, pretending that he's not gay and that the set isn't derived from Bladerunner.

Dude, shit starts fucking up, monster shows up and shit starts getting smashed, bro! Just like you're there! Remember when Yoda started slashing fools? S'like better than that, bro.

Dark Knight
Good guys wiretap civilians. Bad guys act like performance artists, hate society (especially banks) and end up dead before the movie even comes out. So listen to Batman: it's the good guys who are spying on you.

The Duchess
There's nothing I like more than pretentious films that fetishize aristocracy. However, Keira Knightley's flamboyant butt corset wasn't quite big enough to convey the intensely fake pathos that the Oscars are looking for.

Hamlet 2
Neither a follow-up nor a sequel be.

Hell Boy 2
He's the hero but he's a demon. Whooooaaaa. I guess we do live in a morally compromised universe.

Incredible Hulk
Remember that other Hulk movie from a couple years ago? We weren't sure. We thought maybe if you hadn't, you might be interested in another one exactly as interchangeable with escapist video games as the first ... but OK.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Dr. Jones finally returns, this time to wrap up the archaeological loose ends of the legendary bible story: the parable of the crystal skull.

Madagascar 2
You almost had me convinced that this was a Pixar movie. Luckily, Dreamworks keeps an entire department on the payroll to make sure that their lack of cinematic imagination translates to their billboards.

Mamma Mia
What the fuck is this? Pirates of Penzance without the pirates?

Meet Dave
This is clearly more than just one of those movies where Eddie Murphy plays multiple characters. This time, Eddie Murphy stars as each tooth inside Eddie Murphy's grin. Eddie Murphy also played the uncredited roles of every skin cell and enzyme within Eddie Murphy (Eddie Murphy).

How many different variations of vision-related words can be used for titles of Saw knockoffs? Mirrors. Shutter. The Eye. Glimpse. Glance. Lense. Sight. Stare. Periscope. Look.

Quantum of Solace
"My name is James Bond. Simply James Bond." A new Bond for the new century -- and he's breaking all the Bond conventions! This 007 is in a committed relationship, rides the bus and might actually go ahead and try a stirred martini this time.

Saw V
Was there a Saw movie this year? Duh! There's a Saw movie every year! If you like Saw I, Saw V and Saw XII, you'll look forward to Saw MCMLXXXIV.

Secret Life of Bees
There's more to bees than the public image you see in the apiary tabloids -- but the queen doesn't want you to know! This groundbreaking documentary doesn't sugar coat the honey. Winner 2008 Hive d'Or.

Sex and the City
I always wondered what would happen to those privileged ladies from that show I would never have watched even if I had a subscription to HBO. Turns out they're still fucking in an urban setting!

Slumdog Millionaire
An inspiring real-life story based on the life of Forrest Gump, except find/replace Alabama with Mumbai. Yay! God makes money fall from the sky -- but sometimes he'll test ya first!

Speed Racer
When I was a kid, if I went over to another kid's house and they had a Speed Racer toy or poster, I would quickly grow nauseous and want to go home, knowing this was a kid whose idea of fun was as rudimentary as shouting, "Fast car go fast!"

What Happens In Vegas
Unfortunately, I've been to Las Vegas. What happens there is like what happens on the Sunset Strip on any Saturday night in L.A., except magnified 1,000 times. I'm waiting for more movies that take place in pleasant, sustainable American cities, like Portland.