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March 04, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Israel has introduced "Palestinian-only" bus lines. In related news, RIP Palestinian Rosa Parks.

In his first interview since the election, Mitt Romney said he was "convinced" he'd be president. "Me too," said anyone unaware of politics.

Romney also commented that, "It kills me not to be there, not to be in the White House, doing what needs to be done." Instead he has to go through life knowing he only has three houses. Like a loser.

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman says he considers North Korea's Kim Jong-un to be his friend. Said Kim Jong-un, "I like you too, Michael Jordan."

Two hundred German egg farmers are being accused of mislabeling their products as organic and free-range. That's Germany: Still really bad at covering things up.

Microsoft says their new Office 365 will receive updates every three months. 365 being the number of people who like having to update their software every three months.

The MTA will begin using birth control to decrease New York City's rat population. The idea being that male rats are less attracted to female rats who constantly worry about gaining weight.

An Iranian dhow was seized near Yemen and was found to be carrying Chinese anti-aircraft missiles. Officials are unclear however as to exactly dwhere they were headed.

Scientists have discovered a new radiation belt around the Earth. "What's this about a planet-sized belt?" asked Rush Limbaugh's pants with excitement.

Queen Elizabeth was admitted to a hospital on Sunday. Which isn't where you ordinarily take a corpse.

Thailand has promised to criminalize the trading of ivory. "We need to protect these innocent, defenseless creatures," said the prime minister, referring to elephants, not child prostitutes.

On a trip to Egypt, Secretary of State John Kerry called for unity among Egyptians in order to solve their economic crisis. Not to mention democracy and figuring out how to not molest female protesters.

Democratic Connecticut State Rep. Ernest Hewett said he “purposely will not have female interns." Because only men should have the opportunity to work with a democratically elected asshole.