or

 

 

Has he been oddly distant lately? Does he claim to be “working late”, but you know full well he doesn’t have a job? Is he overly defensive when the subject of his trident comes up? Does he wear night goggles when you make love? Perhaps you’re over-thinking it, but perhaps not. Remember, men are monsters. Just take this free, easy, online, portable quiz, and discover whether or not your other half may be occupied changing the balance of the world as you know it.

 

When he’s not with you, he’s:

a) Watching the game with the boys

b) Fly-fishing

c) Ripping down wallpaper in his parents’ bedroom, trying to figure out where the studs are

d) Exercising

e) Exorcising

 

Going dancing with him can be:

a) A lot of fun if the mood and occasion are right

b) A chore

c) Embarrassing, you wish he’d take off that stupid tin-foil hat

d) A chore, it’s really hard to get Criss Cross to make him “Jump! Jump!” with that Opus Dei cilice thing on.

e) Confusing? The last time you went some thugs took advantage of the flashing lights and loud music to drag him away and he hasn’t texted you since.

 

How does he get around?

a) In a black helicopter

b) Not in a black helicopter

 

The first time he met your parents, he:

a) Asked them their first names.

b) Decoded an anagram of their first names.

c) Asked them to provide a detailed description of the night of your conception, and hit your father on the wrist with his travel-sized switch for not remembering the lunar pattern.

d) Said he loved you and he was so happy he had found you.

e) Excused himself halfway through his second plate of goulash and was found dead three days later in their bathroom

 

You'd describe his friends as:

a) Taller than him

b) Bearded

c) Hooded

d) Framed photos of political figures and painters

 

According to him, the President of the United States is:

a) Barack Obama

b) Still Ronald Reagan, the world’s greatest actor, who assumes a different role each time

c) A puppet designed by the World Bank to propel agendas

d) Never seen in the same time, at the same place, as Batman

 

His fashion sense can be described as:

a) "Ed Hardy"

b) "Argyle"

c) "Burlap"

d) "Transcending"

e) "Monochromatic"

 

You attended your first wedding together, and he said it was:

a) "A lot of fun"

b) "Boring"

c) "Heathen"

d) "Curious the couple decided to register at Pottery Barn, as it's a well-known fact they were funded by Mr. Joseph Stalin as a means of degenerating the upper class”

e) “No coincidence the dress and the cake are the same color, which must be a clue, which is why I’m eating it with my hands.”

 

On your first date, you went to:

a) A movie

b) A black-and-white movie, in his basement, presented on a projector, hand-cranked by his uncle, that featured a cartoon of George Washington sparring with a talking duck

c) Dinner at Applebee’s

d) A dinner where he roasted a whole pig on a spit and distilled his own water using his “trusty pump”, because it’s a “well-known fact” that “fluoridation” was dreamed up as a way of preventing tooth decay, so more people would spend time looking in their mirrors, which actually serve as two-way mirrors installed by the government in every home.

 

His celebrity “sexception” is:

a) Jessica Alba

b) Beyonce, if only for the purposes of cheating information of the Illuminati’s secrets out of her

c) Glenn Close

d) Ayn Rand

e) He’s renounced fornication to retain strength

 

IF APPLICABLE: He does NOT like to put a label on things, and he said this is because:

a) He considers you to be a good friend, and doesn’t want things to be weird between you if it doesn’t work out.

b) He just got out of a long relationship

c) Of what happened to Kennedy

 

The point system is NOT traditional. In fact, it is entirely arbitrary. If you have to ask, then you already don’t know.

 

0 – 17 Your boyfriend is NOT a crazy person who lives for conspiracy theories or may be wrapped up in one, though I would still avoid touchy subjects like the disappearance of Amelia Earheart or how the eye on the back of the dollar bill might be Sammy Davis Jr.’s missing one.

18-49 Your boyfriend is fun, flirty, and bad with money. Who knows if it will outlast the Mayan calendar, but it’s a lot of shameless, pre-reckoning fun.

50-life Your boyfriend is DEFINITELY not telling you something. It may not be as serious as cheating on you with a barmaid, but once you find his trigger word the truth will be revealed, and those that will beg for forgiveness will be the ones least deserving of mercy, but until that time, trust no one and do not sleep or blink.

There you have it! Y chromosome? More like “WHY” Chromosome! Right?!

 

 

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