Full Credits

Stats & Data

May 19, 2017

Mike Pence doesn't care anymore and isn't afraid to let everyone know it!


Washington, DC – After being missing for several days Vice President Pence appeared at a signing ceremony at the White House yesterday. While President Trump signed an executive order striking down the federal funding of band-aids for elementary schools nurses a beleaguered vice president made it clear how he feels about impeachment.

A Vice President Measuring Drapes and at the end of his RopeThe public has come to know the vice president as a man of fashion, wearing the best-tailored suits available. However, for this event, he donned a simple t-shirt, jeans, and step ladder.

Not only did Vice President Pence set up the ladder as his supposed boss President Trump signed the executive order, but Pence also hummed the classic tune Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah as he measured the lengths of the drapes. At times he did stop humming to pull out his phone and used it to see what colored curtains should replace the hacky and tacky gold ones President Trump currently has up.

“Hmmmm… what color subtly states impeach? Maybe a deep blue for American justice. I better check out what is available if impeachment doesn’t work out. How about I’m going to strangle your scrawny neck red?” - Vice President Pence

Everyone in the room heard that except for President Trump. He was entranced by his new fidget spinner.

Paul Ryan Insists None of this is his BusinessHouse Speaker Paul Ryan, despite being #2 in line for presidential succession whispered to a nearby reporter, “I can only worry about the things I can control. Republicans everywhere should remain calm over kids not having bandaids in schools and the vice president losing his grip.”

The reporter from the Flat Earth Gazette whispered back, “Sir, what can you control and what is your business if the running of the federal government isn’t?”

House Speaker Ryan then joined Vice President Pence in a rousing humming of Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.

Sean Spicer’s Unlikely Press ConferenceAfter the signing ceremony was over and the vice president was done measuring the drapes, Sean Spicer held the daily press briefing. However, this was going to be no ordinary press briefing.

As soon as Mr. Spicer took the podium he immediately opened a copy of James Joyce’s classic novel Finnegan’s Wake and dove right into it:

“riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation of back to Howth Castle and Environs.”

After reading for a minute or two, the press had the opportunity to ask questions. Mr. Spicer opened a random section of the tome and then answered by reading for another minute or two.

When the press conference ended, many reporters felt “they were finally getting somewhere” with this administration.

The Future of PenceIt’s generally considered among the Republican faithful that Mike Pence is their political messiah. The vice president is taking a cautious attitude despite his measuring the drapes in the Oval Office. A new intern has been hired to taste all of the vice president’s food just in case some Russian-made polonium-210 makes it into his morning Wheaties.

- from my blog Laughing in Disbelief