or

Cornell Reid, LA bureau chief


Have you ever wondered where the top minds in Hollywood go to solve dilemmas and get all their great ideas? Well wonder no longer. They come to me! Watch as celebrities ask me questions and I answer them with ease!

Dear Cornell Reid the Movie Guru,
1st off I just want to say that you're the coolest dude I know. Oh my god, you're so talented and attractive. Secondly...well actually that's it.
Love
-Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland & George Clooney

Dear Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland & George Clooney
Thanks!
-Cornell Reid the Movie Guru

Dear Cornell Reid the Movie Guru,
I'm so sad. I can't think of my next mind-blowing movie. Do you have any ideas?
Signed
Michael Bay

Dear my ol' pal Mikey,
What about something bad ass? Like explosions and babes showing their boobs? Make sure a police commissioner is really far up someones ass and maybe even have someone up the commissioner's ass? You know, like a Russian doll sort of thing.
End the movie with the topless babes exploding and BAM! You've got a movie.
-Cornell Reid the Movie Guru

Dear Cornell Reid the Movie Guru,
Thanks for giving us the ideas for all of our movies. People constantly give us all the credit, but really we would never have made any of these movies if it weren't for your constant help and great ideas.
P.S. Can you write our next script for us?
Love
The Coen Bros.

Dear the Coen Bros,
You're welcome.
P.S. No. Do your own work for once, you fucking jerks!

Dear Cornell Reid the Movie Guru
I just can't seem to get in movies anymore. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but for some reason no one thinks I fit any roles in any film. What am I doing wrong?
Signed
Dave Coulier

Dear Dave Coulier,
Although I am a movie guru, I still get stumped sometimes. I honestly have no idea why you're not in more movies. You're hilarious! You do that “cut-it-out” thing AND that dynamite Bullwinkle the Moose impression! So yeah, I don't know what your problem is...maybe you're too dynamic for film?
Sorry Dave!
Regretfully Yours,
Cornell Reid the Movie Guru

Dear Cornell Reid the Movie Guru
Hey man, I'm still icing my wounds from when you totally kicked my ass a few weeks ago. You're so strong! I had no idea how you got so much muscle crammed into your body. You must be a fitness nut. Can you teach me how to be as strong as you?
Signed,
Vin Diesel

Dear Vin,
Shut up you dumb cream puff! I oughtta bash your face in like I did a few weeks ago. You'll never be as strong as I am, because you're a dumb piece of shit.
Keep dreaming,

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