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Published August 30, 2013 More Info »
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Published August 30, 2013

Rap

There are a million rappers in the world--and each and every one will tell you that he's a millionaire. "I have money. A lot of money. It's unbelievable how much money I have. It's truly unbelievable. Even my mamma can't believe it. The other day, she told me, 'I don't believe you're worth millions of dollars. In fact, any time it's 11 AM and I see you asleep in my basement, I think to myself, This boy ain't worth SHIT. If I could, I'd trade him for a pack of Menthols and a pez dispenser.'"

On the Notorious BIG's very first single, he told us, "I've made millions of dollars rapping, and everyone knows me. By the way--this is my first song." And two years after putting out that single, he was one of the wealthiest and most famous rappers in the world. He became popular and rich by rapping about how popular and rich he was.

If you want to get fans and make money as a rapper, you have to start by rapping about how you already havefans and money. It's also a good idea to rap about how you've been shot. Your record sales go up 50% with each bullet. And they go up 1000% if you die. I'm surprised no one's tried rapping something like, "Boom, boom, boom / I got shot nine times / I'm fucking dead / But I'm still spittin' rhymes / In my coffin / Is my corpse / In my driveway / Is my Porsche / I'm DJ Deceased / Got diamonds on my teeth / And rims on my casket / A tisket, a tasket."

As a rapper, it's also good to tell everyone that your left hand is getting manicured in Beverly Hills, and your right hand is holding a gun in Harlem. Most rappers paint a picture where they live the high life and a ghetto life. On track one, some rapper's in Malibu, playing polo. On track two, he's in Queens, selling crack. On track three, he's in Monte Carlo, playing craps. On track four, he's in Watts, doing crack. On track five, he's in Watts, eating caviar. On track six, he's on a yacht, in a gunfight. And aside from his rap albums, he also has a children's book. Featuring Dr. Dre and Dr. Seuss. "He did not shoot me in my house. He did not shoot me with a mouse. I left my crib in ghetto Watts. Then I got shot while on my yacht. Motherfucker!"

When rappers actually have money, they spend it an interesting way. Some rapper makes millions of dollars rapping about how he spends millions of dollars. Then he puts on a million dollars in jewelry, leaves his ten million dollar home, and gets into his $800,000 car. All while wearing a $2.99 white t-shirt. And then the next week, he buys a new t-shirt and thinks, "You know what would look good with this t-shirt? Four new Rolls Royces." And then a week later, his accountant calls him up and says, "You're spending too much money." [Rapper:] "What are you talking about? I only bought 6 t-shirts this week." [Accountant:] "Yeah--but you bought 24 Rolls Royces." [Rapper:] "Listen, motherfucker--I need to maintain a 4 to 1 Rolls Royce to t-shirt ratio. That's basic ghetto mathematics. You can't be expecting me to buy 6 t-shirts and only 6 Rolls Royces--like some bum."

And then ten years later, he finds himself without the home, cars, and jewelry, as well as the manager, friends, and women. He still has the t-shirts, though. They're the only loyal thing in a rapper's life. "I can always count on you to be there for me, t-shirts. As opposed to my ex-best friend Tommy. Fuck that nigga! And my ex-wife Jane. Fuck that bitch! Fuck that nigga, fuck that bitch / Tommy and Jane, were only there when I was rich / I went from a mansion, to one bedroom / With Jockey, Hanes, and Fruit of the Loom / Jockey--not Tommy / Hanes--not Jane / I sold my Grammy, and bought some cocaine." And then he puts out a children's book. "I spent a million on a boat. I spent a million on a goat. My money flowed out day and night. Champagne flowed right out through my pipes. I only showered with cristal. I spent until I spent it all. On chains, on cars, on boats, on clothes. And then one day, the bank foreclosed."

Investor Warren Buffett is worth $55 billion, rapper Jay-Z is worth $550 million, and rapper Lil Wayne is worth $110 million. Which one of them do you think drives a $50,000 car? Warren Buffet. Lil Wayne and Jay-Z won't even look at a $50,000 car. And if you try to sell Lil Wayne a car like that, he'll act like you just slapped his mother and called her the n-word. "Are you trying to sell me a Toyota?! (pulls out gun) That's it. I'm gonna put a diamond bullet in your ass!"

Rap has changed a lot since its early years. Just look at the world's first hit rap song, "Rapper's Delight." It's the one that starts off with, "I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop a you don't stop..." It gets into topics like dancing, rapping, soft butter on breakfast toast, and an incident involving bad food and kaopectate. But nowadays, rap songs are more like, "I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a man got shot / because I shot that nigga with my platinum gun / and then I told some bitch, 'Here are some ones' / Gonna make it rain, I got the bills / I live in Compton, Watts, and Beverly Hills / Nigga this, nigga that / Shot a nigga with my gat / Put my finga on the trigga, and I shot another nigga / Nigga nigga nigga nigga / nigga apple nigga nigga / Told that nigga, did ya figga that I'd pull this trigga nigga?"

Rappers have filtered out the mentions of kaopectate, and added a few hundred million n-words. And they've answered the age old question: "How many words rhyme with nigga?"

Sometimes the n-word is in a rap song's title. And then the song becomes a huge mainstream hit--and some white, middle aged, top 40 radio DJ mentions it during a countdown show. "OK. You just heard Taylor Swift's 'Baby, I Loved You--and Baby, Maybe I'll Love You Again, Baby, Baby, Baby.' And number 11 on our list is MC KillaNigga's latest hit, entitled 'I'm Gonna Stab a Nigga, Skin His Black Ass, Fry it in Lard, and Then Eat That Nigga For Breakfast the Next Morning.'"

Sometimes a rapper records a new album and gives it to his record company--and then they tell him "Uh... MC Trigga. We were expecting you to use the n-word about 3,000 times on this album. And you used it 0 times." And he says, "Aw--shit man. I knew I was forgetting something. I didn't use it once? That's weird. I must've been really high when I recorded that shit."

 

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