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October 30, 2015

In a pinch for this weekends festivites and don't want to ascribe everything to a binary theory of gender? We can help!

Halloween is right around the corner and everyone’s rushing to find that perfect costume to make their night spooky. The spectre of gender norms is one ghost no one wants haunting their fun. Here are some scary options that will help you get with the times!

1. Dog Blood


Not pictured: full of steaming dog blood!

Nothing says “it is Halloween!” like a big hot sack of dog blood.

2. Baphomet, the Sabbatic Goat


Honestly, who even knows what’s going on down there! Jeesh, Baphomet!

Inscriptions of this unholy idol depict both male and female versions; often hermaphroditic in nature. Wow!

3. A bunch of swords


Nothing gender specific about these swords!

Strap a bunch of different swords to your body. Nothing gender-specific about a bunch of swords. Both boys and girls can buy a dozen katanas at a truckstop and tie them so they are sticking out at all angles of their body.

4. God


God could be pretty much anything, right? You could just put on a bathrobe and a baseball cap and be like “I’m God”. You should dress like God and also tell people you are God.

5. The Police Station

Police Station.jpg

Hold the donuts, ladies AND gentlemen!

It’s a building. You can dress as this building and people will be fine with it because it’s Halloween.

6. Wrap Yourself in Tape or Some Shit


You could say you’re a mummy or something. I dunno. Seems easy. I haven’t dressed up for Halloween in a decade. This is what happens when most of your friends move. A lot of you are probably in your early 20’s and don’t get it. This year I’ll be 32 and I usually feel too tired to do much on Halloween– that’s assume I even have somewhere to go.

I remember last year on Halloween I ran into Dave Klein on the street. He was dressed as one of the Mario Bros. (not sure which one) and said he loved my costume. It wasn’t a costume, just hadn’t done laundry for three weeks so I was wearing five-sizes too small footy pajamas so I could walk down to the Kum & Go to get a Mr. Pibb. I knew Dave back in High School. We were never friends but I remember once I spaced out chewing on a No. 2 pencil then lost my grip on the thing and it flung to the front of the class where everyone saw the bite marks and saliva. Everyone laughed except Dave who went and picked it up and handed it to me without saying a word. I followed Dave to the party but mostly stood in the corner. No one else commented on my costume—I think they knew it wasn’t a costume. Maybe so did Dave.

Robert Flanagan is co-founder and frequent performer at The Little Village Comedy Hour, a local Iowa City stand-up showcase. You can follow him on Twitter at @notrobertK.

Edited by Jocelyn Coffman.