Academy Award-winning actress, Jodie Foster:
And pimp-daddy, Scott Baio:
…who’s sexual prowess is so legendary, he is believed to have boned every single Playmate since Playboy Magazine’s conception in 1953 -- as well as being the first person to deflower both Olsen Twins on their 18th birthday.
Actually, I’m not too sure about the Olsen Twins thing, but I needed an excuse to toss their pics up here.
But sadly, those triumphant, uplifting, stories are few and far between. Unfortunately in the world of child acting, there are many more cautionary tales.
Cautionary tales like the drug fueled life of former Partridge Family star, Danny Bonaduce:
Or the incestuous relationship that was forced upon One Day at a Time actress, Mackenzie Phillips:
And the recent death of beloved 1980’s teen icon, Corey Haim:
But as sad as those stories are, I know of a former child actor who’s tragic story is far worse than any of those above:
His name is Kevin Smets…
And this is the untold story of the child actor you never knew… This is the E! True Hollywood Story of Kevin Smets:
If Kevin Smets doesn’t sound familiar, than you probably know him better by his stage name, Kevin Michaels. And if you still have no idea who the hell Kevin Michaels is, than you’re pretty much in the same boat I was in when I met him for the first time -- but I assure you, even if you don’t know his name, you still know his work...
In the late 1980’s, Kevin appeared in many print ads -- including this classic one for Colgate Toothpaste:
By the time the 1990’s rolled around, Kevin was regularly appearing in many commercials, movies, and television shows including Picket Fences, Empty Nest, and the 1992 Christian Bale paperboy drama, Newsies.
With that success, he was able to land the lead role of Johnny Quest in a couple of Johnny Quest cartoon movies for TNT, as well as secure the co-starring role of Howie Mandel’s older brother, Derek, on the hit Fox Saturday morning cartoon, Bobby’s World.
Here’s a sample of Kevin Smets a.k.a. Kevin Michaels in action:
But his greatest performance came when he was cast as 12 Year-Old Roy -- the younger version of Jason Priestley’s character in the 1993 movie, Calendar Girl -- a raunchy period piece about a group of teens on a quest to rape Marilyn Monroe:
Here’s his flashback scene. And please pay special attention to the part where Roy sees the naked picture of Marilyn Monroe for the first time:
That’s guaranteed shit sure boner…
That one line changed Kevin’s life forever. It opened up every door in Hollywood and Kevin was offered every Horny 12 Year-Old role in town. Every producer had a perverted line for Kevin to read in their movie, including:
I just let the monkey out of the cage…
It’s time to make a deposit in the spank bank…
What’s wrong with a circle jerk???
And according to Ain’t It Cool News, in 1995, Kevin beat out, then-superstar, Macaulay Culkin for the role of Elroy Jetson in a live action Jetsons movie starring Tim Allen.
But Kevin soon found himself wrestling with a very difficult decision every successful actor has to make. His agent told Kevin that he had a shot at superstardom -- but it would mean giving up his normal childhood life. He would have to give up his school, his friends, and most importantly, his family.
After some deep soul searching, Kevin decided to keep his normal life and turn his back on child acting -- a decision he would come to regret. Because of that, the Jetsons movie fell apart and Kevin burnt every bridge he had worked so hard to build.
And to add insult to injury, Tim Allen told Kevin, “You’ll never work in this town again, you little shit!” followed by, “And I bet you suck more cock than Jonathan Taylor Thomas!”
And Tim Allen was right -- about never acting again, not the sucking cock part.
When Kevin tried to resurrect his acting career as an adult, he soon realized he wasn’t the same cute, little, child actor that nobody remembered -- especially when he was arrested for sexual harassment after he tried reciting his classic line, "That’s guaranteed shit sure boner", to a female casting director.…
In light of his failure to recapture his dream, Kevin fell into the same deep depression that most former child actors succumb to.
And in desperation, Kevin turned to something much more disturbing than drugs, alcohol, prostitution, incest, and even death. He turned to the Dark Side… And I mean that literally…
Kevin turned to Star Wars.
Kevin engulfed himself into the make-believe world of Star Wars, and quickly started losing grip of all reality. As a result, he regularly goes out in public dressed as a Storm Trooper, circa Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith:
Kevin also believes that he’s an actual Jedi and was heartbroken when George Lucas didn't cast him in any of his Star Wars prequels. The only way Kevin could cope was by editing himself into Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones as Anakin Skywalker. Actual video exists, but I was only able to steal this image from his computer:
But worst of all, Kevin is the creator of his own Star Wars FanFiction.
Apparently there’s a Star Wars videogame called Knights Of The Old Republic -- or KOTOR for short. And the storyline in the KOTOR videogame is broken up into three chapters -- just like the real Star Wars movies. Because of this, Kevin was able to use the videogame to create his very own Star Wars Trilogy.
That’s right. He created his own Star Wars trilogy. He was able to write three, full length, two-hour movies based on each chapter in KOTOR.
The first two videogame movies are completed and available to view on the internet. He finished Star Wars Knights Of The Old Republic: Episode I in 2006, and just released Star Wars Knights Of The Old Republic: Episode II earlier this year. And in case you’re wondering -- yes, Kevin is currently working on Star Wars Knights Of The Old Republic: Episode III as you read this very blog.
I bet you’re asking yourself, “How did he make his own Star Wars movie?”
Let me explain…
Kevin created his movies by using the interstitial cinematic scenes that already existed between the levels in the KOTOR videogame. And because he’s a little technical wiz-kid, he was also able to “unlock” the camera within the actual videogame itself, which allowed him to move the camera anywhere in the videogame in order to “direct” the videogame characters and record the various angles he wanted to.
After editing the scenes in KOTOR into a two hour film, Kevin then provides all the character voices, sound effects, and music -- which he borrows from the original Star Wars movies.
If you don’t believe me, here’s the first ten minutes of Star Wars Knights Of The Old Republic: Episode I:
If you wanna see the rest, go find ‘em yourself. They’re out there.
But the real question isn’t “How does someone make their own Star Wars videogame trilogy?” but instead, “Why the fuck would someone make it??”
And if it wasn’t bad enough that someone actually took the thousands of hours necessary to make his own full length videogame movie trilogy -- the sadder fact is that there’s hundreds of thousands of losers out there who actually want to watch a full length videogame movie trilogy.
And not only do they want to watch it, but they’ve dedicate their own lives to it. I’m not kidding -- they eat Kevin’s shit up. There’s whole communities, and message boards, and wannabe Sith Lords who are making their own FanFiction based on Kevin’s FanFiction.
And that's my point in all of this. All I’m saying is that after reading about a former child actor who spends his free time making his own Star Wars trilogy, you start to think maybe Corey Haim didn’t have it so bad. You know, in comparison, OD’ing on drugs seems like an honorable way of going out…
But despite everything, there’s still a happy ending to this story. Kevin recently decided to reconnect with the outside world that shunned him many years ago by competing in a race for charity.
On July 31st Kevin will be racing the full Ironman for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
And since I pretty much spent this entire blog busting his balls, I figure the least I could do is maybe persuade the four of you who regularly read my blog to make a donation in Kevin’s name by visiting this address below:
I made a donation and you can see my name on the donation section of the page. If you don’t want to or can’t donate, that’s fine -- but can you at least visit and leave a comment making fun of his Star Wars FanFiction Trilogy??