Halloween is one of the year's greatest holiday seasons. Today, I address a group of anti-Halloween no-goodniks who need to get with the program. I sent this letter to the dentist who lives across the street from my parents. Please substitute your neighborhood dentist's name and mail it as soon as possible. It's not too late.
Dear Dr. Ackerman,
Trident sugarless gum??? Are you kidding me? This is why no one likes you. This is why your house will get egged again. This is why young children will cry at your door. You must know by now. Geez, man, it's Halloween. That little girl dressed up as Ariel wants real candy. She waited all year and you gave her Trident Cool Colada. Why don't you slam the door in her face or give her Dubble Bubble? It's just as cruel and you'll save a few pennies, you party pooper.
You are a dentist. People already don't like you. Why not take advantage of the opportunity to show that you are not a metal hook-wielding sadist creep? Show your human side for once. Get the Snickers. Get the Milky Ways. Get the Nestlé Crunch bars! Buy some real candy and it will come back to you. Everyone knows the Imperial Stormtrooper from up the street never brushes his teeth. Same goes for the inadequately clothed junior cheerleader from around the corner. Feed them candy they want and these children will be in your office by candy cane season. Think of it as an investment in neighborhood relations and in your business.
Seriously, buy the good stuff this year. I am not too old to put a 12-pack of Quilted Northern Ultra in your trees.