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September 07, 2009


My beau and I decided to do something stupid. That's how we like to spend our precious free time together. Doing something stupid. We usually choose adventures that have a maximum impact on the senses, and a minimal ability to reduce the size of our asses. We never wake up with an insatiable desire to scale anything or do laps. In the past this has meant Haunted Corn Mazes in Chatsworth, The "World Famous" Lipizzaner dancing Stallions at the Staples Center (they should really consider putting this show on ice), candlepin bowling, and sometimes he watches me shoot stuff at arcades. So, where else would a couple of pudgy nerds go on Labor Day after a misguided "lunch" of Exxon Valdez-inspired spinach artichoke dip at the ESPNZone, but the  L.A. County Fair?

Truly something to behold. I was expecting something out of Charlotte's Web -- a petting zoo, fresh baked pies, a ferris wheel. In this photo, the Fair look like a lovely slice of  innocence and Americana.

It's not. Note I have cleverly framed this photo so as not to burn your eyeballs. Pan down and you'd see the only animals on display were the sweaty, misshapen humanoids merrily guzzling 64 oz. beers to ensure the deep fried avocados, oreos, twinkies, and chocolate covered bacon make it all... the...way... down the hatch. Gluttony and early-onset Diabetes aren't just for the Middle anymore. They are thriving right here in L.A. If you've ever wanted to feel even more shame about being an American, you're in luck! The Fair is up and running till Oct. 4th. There needs to be a system in place whereby they check passports and refuse admission to all foreigners, ensuring the world never hear tell of the atrocities that took place here. The Weeble Wobbles desperately wishing they had third arms so they could paw at mounds of french fries and snarf funnel cakes, still having one hand free to grope each other's sweaty asses. Oh, the sheer volume of ass sweat...

Snarkiness and disgust aside, somebody call the Whitney (Museum of American Art), because today I did discover a great and little known Outsider American art form: Tablescaping. TABLESCAPING.
This dazzling sign looks like it was made in Print Shop.

People curate fantasy dinner table settings and are judged on aesthetics, as well as form and function. It's all good and well if you build a REPLICA OF THE EMERALD CITY of Oz, complete with yellow brick road, but if a steak knife is placed too far from a dinner plate charger, or you try and get away with using water glasses for wine, you're looking at a DQ.
Please Note: Action figures are to scale.

The loneliness that must sear the souls of the creatures that create these fascinating "installations."

But just when I was ready to dismiss crafting and, indeed, the whole fair out of hand...Behold! A thing of beauty: A jacket constructed entirely from Capri Sun boxes (bags?):Blue Ribbon!

There is justice in this world,