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January 26, 2015

Frequency is just one aspect of showering about which many of us are woefully misinformed.

There’s been a lot of discussion in the news lately about how frequently one needs to take a shower, with several articles claiming that daily showers are unnecessary and even unhealthy. But frequency is just one aspect of showering about which many of us are woefully misinformed.

  • It is detrimental to wash your butthole at all. Buttholes are like seasoned cast-iron skillets, in that if you wash them with soap they lose their effectiveness.
  • Loofahs and washcloths both carry tons of bacteria, so when you use them they are actually making your body less clean! The best way to administer soap is with the hand of someone that you neither like nor plan on seeing again.
  • The vagina is self-cleaning, but did you know it can also clean the rest of your body? If you want to start the day smelling fresh, give yourself a good rub with your vagina, or “cunt shower,” as it’s known in Britain.
  • Your roommate’s shampoo is better than yours so use that instead.
  • “OK, honey, I’m just going to take a shower … a BABY SHOWER! You’re going to be a dad” is the best way to break that news.
  • The average bath uses 35–50 gallons of water but there’s about 352 quintillion gallons in the ocean, so do you.
  • In addition to being used for masturbating, hand lotion also works as a hand lotion.
  • A good way to conserve water is to shower with your dad. But do NOT compliment his penis. That’s weird.
  • When taking a bath, be sure you’re getting in a bathtub and not an ogre’s dinner pot where you’re on the menu!!!
  • Pineapple makes your semen taste sweeter. This doesn’t really apply to the topic at hand, but still — good to know.
  • You deserve better than Prell.

The Following Counts as Showering:
• Going outside in the rain
• Watching someone else shower
• Brushing really hard against a clean person
• Running through a sprinkler as a child
• Hosing down a child as an adult
• Getting licked real good by a dog
• Being badly burned in a house fire
• Showering
The first body part you wash in the shower can say a lot about you:
Hair – Type-A personality
Genitals - Aspiring Chef
Armpits – Cast member on the original 90210
Backside - Sexy Co-Ed
Face - Hunk/Muscleman
Legs - Olympic swimmer
Chest - Probably named Vance
Feet - Get the fuck out of here, weirdo.


I tried showering every other day instead of every day and my hair felt like someone had combed it with a chicken wing. Is this normal?
That’s the feeling of health!

When the shower takes my dirt, is it also taking my soul?
No, you are thinking of cameras. Watch out for those.

What if I take a shower and immediately spill pizza sauce all over my body? Should I still wait two days to shower again?
Yes. The body actually needs a certain level of pizza sauce to stay healthy. In addition to promoting overall zest, a sauce barrier helps catch stray flecks of meat and cheese that fall onto the skin while eating.

If cleanliness is next to godliness, isn’t showering a slippery slope toward Devil worship?
OK, you need to chill out.

So why do you hate showering so much? Did bullies laugh at your small pee-pee in high school?
First off, my pee-pee is normal-sized. Second, no one hates showers here, it’s just that over-washing with soap and hot water can strip your skin of essential oils and “good” bacteria that can help protect your skin from disease.

But how come all the good bacteria gotta smell so bad?
I know, right?

That’s not really an answer…
Yeah, well, this isn’t really an issue.

Should there be some guy in my shower?
Generally no, but here are a few situations in which it’s OK:
• Horny husband
• Damp ghost
• Shower repairman
• Ghost of shower repairman (friendly)
• Priest exorcising ghost of shower repairman (evil)

  • Make sure to brag about how little you shower. This is an important part of this process for some reason.
  • Short on time? Try taking one 11-day shower twice a year.
  • If you are starting to smell but don’t have time to shower just carry a scented candle nestled between your legs. DON’T LIGHT IT.
  • Crying in the shower is great when you’ve been recently dumped, but if your skin is dry, try crying in a kiddie pool of jojoba oil instead.
  • Dry shampoo is not just for your hair. You can also use it for your genitals, feet, armpits, and anywhere else you’d like to smell lightly of decaying cornstarch.
  • If you get into a chemical spill, the eye-wash station in a laboratory counts as a shower.
  • Befriend the biggest stinkos and dirtbags you can find so you’ll seem clean by comparison.
  • Start from the extremities of your body and wash in concentric circles, going inward toward your anus. Then, clench hard and absorb all the filth from your entire body into your rectum.
  • Try not to think of all the wrong turns you’ve made in life while in the shower. While you’re standing there despondently, you lose essential oils.
  • If you are a wealthy South American drug lord, please turn this guide over to the underage prostitutes you pay to bathe you.
  • In between showers, use a soapy washcloth under your arms, between your legs, and as a cape for your bathtime adventures.

So there you have it, everything you thought you knew about showering, completely debunked. Tune in next time when we discuss how sleeping is actually killing you and how drinking bleach can give you tons more stamina in the sack.