Check out these (pretty much) all-natural and practical study tips!
1. Adderall and Feedbag
This is for when you want to double down on your focus game. Just don’t forget to eat. Amphetamines reduce your appetite to almost zero, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need food. Nothing’s worse than crashing in the middle of cranking out a study sesh. One simple solution is to strap a feedbag of nutritious oats to your face as a reminder that you are flesh.
2. Watching Rain While Thinking About Your Dead Uncles
Who says a study aid has to be a drug? There’s nothing like contemplating your finite existence to get yourself motivated. Hitting a wall on that term paper? Well just remember that’s nothing compared to your uncle Darrell’s decay through years of crippling alcoholism. At the same time, maybe a few beers would actually make your paper better.
3. Ziploc Bag of Old Cheerios
Don’t get stranded without food during those late nights at the library. Your brain uses almost 1/5 of your daily calorie intake. Cheerios are dry, tasteless and affordable on a student budget. Make sure to leave a small bag of Cheerios in the bottom of a backpack for a week. This might sound like a hassle, but just wait until you reach down into your bag and pull out a dirty baggie of half-powdered stale cereal in front of your study partners!
4. Poking Yourself in the Eyes and Yelling at a Pet
This is a particularly potent combination. Studies show that poking yourself in the eyes helps you build willpower. This works because the human brain is designed to make you really not want to poke yourself in the eyes. Once that’s all done, find your oldest pet and yell at it in anger. Powerful guilt can be a major boon when trying to cram a few hours before that big exam!
5. Reach Nirvana, Become a Disciplined, Efficient Human
You could always just stop bullshitting and learn to get stuff done. I mean seriously, why are you always procrastinating? What are you even doing?
See this guy? This is Akshay Venkatesh. He received a PhD from Princeton when he was twenty years old. Wow, I wonder how he did that. Maybe he did it by googling the entire filmography of character actor Paul Lynn. Oh, wait, no he probably just sat down and did some work, for Christ’s sake. Good luck!
Robert Flanagan is co-founder and frequent performer at The Little Village Comedy Hour, a local Iowa City stand-up showcase. You can follow him on Twitter at @notrobertK.
Edited by Jocelyn Coffman.