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July 24, 2014

A typical gay man's coming out announcement.


That’s right! Your good old mister nice congenial friendly Alford Mayer is coming out of the closet. I’m not afraid of hiding anymore.

You’re probably all shocked, Facebook friends. You f***ers in high school used to make fun of me for being in Mathletes. But you didn’t have a f***ing clue I was gay. You missed out big time, you f***ing morons.

And to you @Cindy Fitzpatrick, my high school sweetheart:

I bet this makes no sense considering how much I banged you, you f***ing whore.

And to my parents:

You may have raised me, gave me emotional support, and bought me what I truly needed. But you can both go to hell! I don’t need you anymore. I’M GAY!

And to the illegal immigrants who I befriended on my way crossing into Mexico from New Mexico and subsequently added as Facebook friends:

I called the border patrol on you f***ers right away. That’s how you got caught. But thanks for the tips of how to advance further into your country.

And to the African Americans, who I helped gain employment in Detroit:

I am actually a RACIST. You may be working for my drug trade business that I brought in from Mexico. But you’re only being paid half of what you should be. The white people in the gang get paid twice what you do secretly. Also, those houses I helped you get–it’s a ponzi scheme that benefits ME!

And to the U.S. Federal Government, who is looking for me now:

You think can catch me?! Wrong! I’m standing right now in the FBI headquarters and everybody is just walking by. You’re all just a bunch of homophobic pieces of ****.

And to the singer of Vampire Weekend:

I don’t think your last album The Modern Vampires of the City was that great. Its acclaim was mainly based on your past two albums and the critics were too scared to criticize your album.

And to my dog, Smithy:

I was the one who spray-painted LOSER on you. It wasn’t “some burglar” like I told you it was. I’m gay now, though. So, f**k you.

And to the LGBT community:

Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m just going support the rights of Lesbians, Bisexuals, or Transsexuals.

That’s all I have to say for now. Thank you all for reading. I love you all very much.


Alford Mayer