A report came in early Tuesday morning describing the workout of an insecure thirty-five year old man named Jeremy Williams. Numerous times he was seen cautiously walking up to machines only to slowly back away from them just seconds later after realizing he had no idea how to use them. His inexperience in the weight room is responsible for his linguine like arms and overall lack of confidence on the machines. Refusing to ask for help and fearing the free weights, Jeremy’s total workout consisted of seven push ups and an hour of hurried wandering. The lethal combination of hesitant darting and poor body image produced the majority of the sweat on his forehead and lower back. Assuming that everyone at the gym was there solely to judge him turned out to be an effective cardiovascular workout. His heart was pumping so rapidly the average self respecting man would have foolishly guessed Jeremy just ran a few miles on the treadmill. A panting Jeremy was quoted saying, “Lifting weights is harder than it looks. No one warns you about the awkward eye contact you’re going to make right before starting a set. I’m just glad sweat was the only noticeable fluid I released today.” Jeremy was last seen that day stepping out of the showers in bright red swim trunks.