Um, hey guys. It’s me, Janet Jackson. I KNOW! I KNOW! You’re all still mad at me! I’m still mad at me, too!! It’s just that … not trying to be a bitch but … basically I’m just wondering how come Miley Cryus can show her bare tit on TV but when I do I get thrown in prison? Again — not trying to be a bitch!! It’s just I’ve been in jail for the past 11 years so it sorta feels like a double standard?? And trust me I KNOW what I did at the Super Bowl was an act of terrorism. The Parents Television Council was RIGHT to have me arrested for my wardrobe malfunction. But Miley’s wasn’t even a “wardrobe malfunction” at all cause there was no wardrobe in the first place. She just plain had her tit out. And then she even said on her mic, “Oh was my titty out?” And … everyone just sorta laughed about it?? NO ONE laughed when my titty came out. Lots of people died but NO ONE laughed. They just put me in handcuffs, threw me in jail without a trial and proceeded to talk about the incident for the next decade.

Mind you, I didn’t actually see Miley’s breast cause they don’t allow TV in prison (“It agitates the inmates.”) but I had a visitor this morning (Jermaine — my first in almost 10 years) and he told me all about it. I was confused cause I was like, “Oh cool, a new roommate in jail!” and he was like, “No, actually she’s not going to jail.” And I was like, “Wait, why?” and he was like, “I dunno … I guess she just gets a free pass?” This is where I’m confused. Especially since I only showed PART of mine and she showed THE WHOLE DAMN THING.

When Justin Timberlake ripped part of my shirt off at the Super Bowl, CBS was fined 73 million gazillion dollars. And they paid it! Cause that’s what you did in 2004 when a woman dare show a nipple on TV. You man up! Just like how I peacefully accepted my death sentence without protest. Oh did I not mention that? I’m being put to death. Miley … they’re not killing Miley. (Also not Justin who I would argue had an equal hand in my tit falling out. My lawyer said it’s different for guys though so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

Again — TOTALLY not trying to complain!! It’s my own fault for burning America’s eyes with the horrendous sight of a woman’s bare nipple which should ONLY be seen by her husband during procreative sex and MAYBE to the baby she’s nursing. (But, honestly, even then the baby should just close their eyes if possible.) To the countless Americans still in mourning over this incident, I think and pray about you every day. Please keep submitting your therapy bills and I’ll continue paying them until I’m executed. I just don’t understand why I’m not even being offered a last meal while Miley got some really sick catering after the VMAs. They even gave her a private jet home! Meanwhile my cellmate Nancy insists we’re dating.

Now I know you’re all getting really excited for my public execution this fall on Fox. And I don’t blame you! While the female nipple has NO PLACE in America, gun violence on TV is very cool and exciting. Like most folks, I think we should be watching as much of it as possible. It’s just part of me (again NOT TRYING TO BE A BITCH) wonders why they aren’t also doing this to Miley. Instead they’re letting her host the thing??

I guess I’m just gonna chalk this up to a double standard? The pastor in charge of reading me my last rights said I need to just accept the things I cannot change and I guess this is one of them. (He also told me there’s nothing he can do for me and I’m going straight to Hell — I guess that’s another one, too.)

Alright, here comes the warden so I better wrap this up. Please remember me as I was.*

*Rhythm Nation era.

Who Wants to Publicly Execute a Famous Woman airs September 12th at 9 p.m. on Fox. (TV-G)

Advertisement