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February 07, 2017
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The screeching sound of progress… at 56K.

The screeching sound of progress… at 56K.


In yet another attempt to quell the ongoing criticism of his actions as President, Donald Trump has announced his latest measure to quiet the storm of backlash: Dial-up Internet.

As of Friday, All Americans will be mailed a 3.5″ floppy disk with setup instructions for what Trump is calling “America Online”.

All citizens will need to select their local access number as well as a unique username. One highlight of the program is that passwords can be as insecure as most of us are feeling right now.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced the executive order at this morning’s press conference.

“Americans from coast to coast will be greeted with what we’re calling a “Welcome Screen” that includes curated news headlines from across the nation’s more Trump friendly areas. There will also be chatrooms where individuals can share ideas and information like A/S/L. It’s pretty groundbreaking stuff.”

Critics to the plan say this is one of the worst things to come out of the Trump Whitehouse, however shortly after, Steve Bannon walked out in an untied robe.

When called for comment, The White House lost all Internet communications because someone picked up the phone.

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