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April 12, 2016

The ultimate top 5 chick-sexing fails of ALL TIME.

We’ve ALL been there: you’re chillin’ with your boys in an industrial poultry processing center, sticking your fingers all up the cloaca of baby chicks in order to determine their biological sex. You’re feelin’ around ALL DANG DAY, sending those male chicks to the extermination belt and sending those female chicks to the breeding belt. LOL. You know what make that day go a lil faster? Checking out five these all-time, totally epic chick-sexing fails:

Doris McCray
Nebraska Poultry Processing, Inc.
Chick #4567039


After expressing the anal gland of this specimen and gently rubbing its vent with her thumb, Doris incorrectly assumed the pimple protruding from the vent was penile. WRONG, DORIS. It was a just a small, non-genital bump. TOP NOTCH DOINGUS ALERT!!!

Jennifer Hoelscher
Livestock Distribution Inc.
Chick #2309847


Upon first inspection this lil chick adhered to the generally accepted guidelines of female prepubescent sexual characteristics. But Jen should have been checking that vent once and then checking it twice, because clearly it possessed a small genital expression AKA THIS CHICK WAS A FRIGGIN DUDE!!! Ding Dong Jen: it’s the chick-sexing police, and they’re coming for ya. HIDE UR KIDS & HIDE UR WIFE!!!

Toby Clark
Multnomah Agricultural Center
Chick #???


Wow. Talk about a completely INSANE FAIL. Not only did Clark fail to correctly identify the sex of his specimen and direct it to the appropriate conveyor belt, but it turned out he was trying to sex a dang duckling the whole time. Um, Toby? Ducklings are WATER FOWL. Their feet are webbed and their bills are flat cuz they spend their time splashing around in mud. MINUS TEN THOUSAND, TOBY!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK–GOODBYE!!!!!

Stan Munkle
Midwestern Meat Supply, Inc.
Chick #5893475987


This wasn’t so much a sex-ing fail as a SEXT-ing fail. Stan was fired from his job after his wife found these texts while he was taking their three year-old daughter to karate class. Let’s just say that Stan had a “chick” on the side and he better be “pecking” around for a new job now that he’s out on his “ass”!!!!!!!

Patrick Harris
Alabama Farming Conglomerate
Chick #2908408


MAYBE THE MOST EPIC CHICK-SEX FAIL OF ALL TIME. Patrick was sex-ing a baby chick when its mom, in an an epically tight act of badassery, hopped on a teeny tiny skateboard, and knocked Patrick SPLAT onto the processing floor. Patrick sustained serious injuries and has not been able to walk for the past five weeks. Yea, it’s kind of sad. But also? It’s funny as hell. PATRICK? MORE LIKE PWNED-TRICK!!!!!

Did we miss something? Send us YOUR chick sexing fails (EPIC ONLY) at