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Stats & Data

March 25, 2010



Well, it’s time to continue the tale of Grump’s Florida road trip with a quick hitter. I thought it appropriate to lead this off with an observation about Health Care and the reform initiated by your president.

The Golden Hemorrhoid

Living in a Socialist State like Canada does provide benefits. Thanks to Tommy Douglas we have universal Health Care and it’s free. Well, not quite. Our taxes are astronomical.

In any case, no matter the illness, we can hed to a health care facility and receive effective care with no bill forwarded to our home address. We have no idea of the cost (except when we pay income tax) but we are fully covered.

My brother-in-law visited the in-laws in Florida about two weeks before us. Before they left, his entire family suffered from a bout of the flu. This included constant yakking and multiple trips to the porcelain telephone. Yes, my friends both ends were involved, totally and completely.

Upon arriving in Florida, my bro discovered that, with all this explosive action, he’d popped a ‘roid and the pain, of course, increased exponentially. Now my brother-in-law is a Black Belt Ninja whose pain tolerance is remarkable. But, upon inspection by my mother-in-law (former nurse), he was told that he’d better get his ass into emergency.

Long Story Short:

He was told he required surgery to take care of the thrombosis. Fortunately, he had travel insurance. The company actually considered having him flown home to Canada to have his anus retooled.

I wonder why? Wouldn’t the cost be prohibitive?

I mean a flight home?

Nay, nay, my friends, a compromise solution was negotiated..

Upon consultation with the hospital it was determined that the surgery would take place at Lake Wales Hospital and the Insurance would, in fact, cover the cost.


Long Story Shorter:

While we were in Florida my father-in –law received the itemized bill for this rather routine surgery.

May I have the envelope, please?

TOTAL COST FOR ASSHOLE RESECTION:  22 000 freaking dollars.

This was for minor out-patient surgery. They did keep him in for an overnight because the surgeon had either a busy schedule or an extended golf game. No matter, that kind of money could buy you a luxury trip on a 90 day World Cruise and then some.

The operation cost $11 000 and the other $11 000 was made up charges for supplies and the like.

There was a $2000 charge for dressings.


I could take $2000 into Walgreens and snatch up every band aide, compress, pressure bandage, elastic wrap and sterile pad they had on their shelves, and then still walk out with at least two cases of beer, a box of prunes and a pack of condoms.

This hemorrhoid must have been the size of a Pumpkin, certainly worthy of an esteemed place in the Hemorrhoid Hall of Fame (Bemidji, Minnesota, I believe.). Surely the hospital could have it bronzed and then given it to my brother-in-law as a souvenir of the Sunshine State.

I can’t imagine NOT having health insurance and living in America.  You’d always be one tragedy away from total bankruptcy.  I have heard the horror stories.

But, I should have been aware of this situation. My insurance company sent me a letter advertising a 10% discount on travel insurance stating that a broken arm could cost me $20 000 in the US.Needless to say, I bought the package for all of us.

Because, now I know that “ripping a new asshole” costs even more than an arm or a leg.

Can any of you Americans explain this to me?

I’m dumfounded.

Is the Obama plan going to help you?

There is more of Grumpy’s Florida Journal to come. But, after writing this, I’m finding it difficult to sit at the computer for more than a few minutes. There’s this tingling in my sphincter that just won’t go away. And, I’m still scratching those imaginary bedbugs we encountered in Kentucky!


A man walks into Wal-Mart and the Greeter says, "Welcome to Wal-Mart.. Automotive is on aisle 10." The man asks, "How did you know I needed oil?" The Greeter says, "It's my job." Another guy walks in and he says, "Welcome to Wal-Mart - Sporting Goods are on aisle 16." The guy asks, "How’d you know I wanted a hunting rifle? The Greeter says, "It's my job – it’s what I do." Then a woman walks in and the Greeter says, "Welcome to Wal-Mart. Tampons are on aisle 3." The woman says, "I’m not here for tampons – I need hemorrhoid cream." The Greeter says, "Damn! Missed it by an inch.

HEMORRHOID CREAM on youtube:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPQeFIFOktU

And so on.