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September 26, 2014
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New social network Ello launched yesterday, becoming an instant internet sensation among the internet's cockney chimney sweeps.

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Ello’s interface is simple and soot-colored.

New social network Ello launched yesterday, becoming an instant internet sensation among the internet’s cockney chimney sweeps.

Ello touts itself as a social network that is free from advertisements and will not sell user data to corporations.

“Cor blimey, I don’t ‘alf want a social network that protects me privacy,” said software developer/chimney sweep Nigel Cubbins, 12. “Whether I’m sweepin’ out chimneys or developin’ Grand Theft Auto 6, I want to be able to share photos with me mates without worryin’ about who else is seein’ em.”

He then clicked his heels in excitement.

Ello founder Paul Budnitz told Tech Crunch that Ello is doubling its user base every 3-4 days. “Most of the excitement we’re experiencing comes from a combination of Ello’s simple & elegant interface, and the fact that the network will never have ads. Without ads, we are free to design features for users first, without advertisers in mind. We also don’t sell data, and even offer our users the option to opt-out of analytic tracking of their sessions when they use the network,” he said.

“Also, there’s never been a social network just for us little orphan chimney sweeps,” he added. “Bob’s your uncle.” He then shouldered his brushes and skipped away across the rooftops into the London sunset.

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