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January 13, 2016
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A woman is a shining beacon of all things lovely and pure; a delicate reminder that this dingy, dirty, smelly life we lead has a few pretty things in it. As a member of the fairer sex, you are a veritable princess. And when you find your prince, nothing can lose him faster than stepping off your pedestal, and engaging in these reprehensible human traits.

Five Things You Can’t Do In Front of Your Boyfriend

A woman is a shining beacon of all things lovely and pure; a delicate reminder that this dingy, dirty, smelly life we lead has a few pretty things in it. As a member of the fairer sex, you are a veritable princess. And when you find your prince, nothing can lose him faster than stepping off your pedestal, and engaging in these reprehensible human traits.

  • 1. Clipping your toenails

No man wants to see you do this! Discarded nail and skin cells flying all over the room? What better way is there to remind him that you are basically a flesh bag of imperfection? Keep your weekly toenail shearing a secret, and pretend like they’ve never grown.

  • 2. Eating spaghetti

The fastest way to a dinner date gone horribly wrong. Are you willing to flirt with the potential for sauce to fleck your $60 Anthropologie blouse? Why don’t you just go douse yourself in toilet water, because that’s all he sees when he watches you eating your big bowl of fettucine.

  • 3. Breathing

Are you a goddess, sent to this earth to show men what they should be living for? Or are you a discarded HVAC air filter? No man wants to be reminded that his lady’s lungs are constantly filling with toxins from the air, rendering her impure. Keep your mouth and nose clenched tight when he’s around, and save your respiration for alone time.

  • 4. Running around naked with only a leaf of cabbage covering you, screaming about how you’ve been possessed by the devil

What’s your end game here? To repulse him fully and completely? If so, you’ve accomplished what you’ve set out to do. No red-blooded American man is going to be attracted to a leaf of cabbage. Try appealing to his interests, and cover your naked frame with something more appealing to him, like a buffalo chicken wing or a taco, while you scream about Satan invading your womanly frame.

  • 5. Die violently

You may have lost your fight with the devil for your mortal coil, but there’s no reason for this to put a damper on your relationship! Instead of seizing and twitching violently in front of him, which can alert him to your impending mortality, use your last wheeze of life to perish in a come-hither position. Your dying wish should always aim to please him sexually, so he knows how much he means to you, even in your last moments.


Amy Corson is a senior at Indiana University, studying Theatre and Telecommunications. She is part of the sketch comedy group the University tWits, and is kind of afraid of raccoons. You can find her on Twitter at @amycorson1.

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