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April 28, 2015

Teen Breaks Rubik's Cube World Record. News Flash: Bras Aren't So Easy


Teenager Collin Burns broke the 3x3 Rubik’s Cube record over the weekend at a World Cubing Association competition, solving the cube in 5.25 seconds. The previous record was 5.55 seconds, held by Dutch teen, Mats Valk. Here’s a video of Burns’ record setting cube solving session (Beware: LOTS of loud teen screaming after he breaks the record so turn down that volume):

It seems the record will stand and Burns even got a congratulatory tweet from the owners of Rubik’s, (but you already knew that because Rubik’s is the only twitter account you follow and you love to fav their tweets):

We’re all very happy for the young man, but I do fear that this achievement could go to Collin’s head. So I wrote him an open letter warning him to stay humble and not to assume that since he is good at Rubik’s cubes that he will be good at unstrapping bras.

Dear Collin,

Congratulations! What a fantastic record you set this past weekend! I can only assume that it was a result of a lot of hard work and training and you should be very proud.

Enjoy you’re victory for now but let me give you one piece of unsolicited advice for when you get a little older: Bras will humble you. Sure, you’re a whizz with your hands at manipulating the Rubik’s cube to get each side to be a solid, single color, but undoing your girlfriend’s bra in a dark basement before her older brother comes down to “see what’s up” is a whole other story. Take it from me, a man who has failed multiple times at undoing a bra in a dark basement.

First thing you need to know: she will be noticing. Even the most kind-hearted woman will have no patience for a dude messing around with her bra strap. She might even laugh a little and then follow up with “…having some trouble back there?” which will launch you deep into a pit of self loathing. It’s OK, you deserve it. See, unhooking bras comes naturally to gals. The same way adjusting the cups in jock straps comes naturally to fellas. That’s just the way God made us. He also made us to feel deep shame both during and after any act of sex. If God wanted guys to be able to take off bra straps easily and not feel like a pathetic oaf the first time around, then He would have given us the tools right away.

Second of all, bras ain’t all the same, my friend. Sure you can practice in the bra section at Walgreens all you want. Undoing the front and back clasps, the hook and eye clasps, and the basically IMPOSSIBLE butterfly slide clasps until you think you got it. Inspecting the one, two, and three hook versions til you basically have every centimeter memorized. Spend so much time there that even the pharmacists (the pharmacists!) start making jokes. But until you get into a game situation, all that preparation is worth bupkis.

Third, you’ll only have one hand, max, to undo that bad boy. If you try to use two you will look like a fucking idiot and she will immediately lose respect for you.

And don’t forget, you will have to be doing your best french kissing while trying to dismantle that bomb. French kissing is no joke. Being a kind and generous french kisser is how you show your partner you are present and connected to their display of passion. You can try practicing by french kissing a melon while one-handedly untangling headphones that have been at the bottom of your backpack for the last few months, but that really is nothing like what we’re talking about.

Also, it’s probably a good idea to plan a diversion. The ideal strategy is, once you’ve been green lit to go to second base, chuck a hail mary effort at the strap. One quick grab and twist move that miraculously unhooks the whole thing and you look like the coolest guy in the room (there might be a bunch of people in the room the first time you try to unhook a bra, btw). If the hail mary doesn’t work, have a glass of water sitting on a table next to you and just bump that sucker over. You’ll both get up, assess the water damage, and by the time you’re back on the couch, she might just unhook it herself! If not, just say you’re thirsty, get more water, and repeat until she gets sick of your shit and goes home.

Finally, have fun! Yes, you will fail and yes it will be humiliating, but remember that you will get better. Before you know it you’ll be in a relationship where failing to unhook a bra will be very far down on the list of mortifying issues you have with your partner.

Once again, congratulations on that record, and I’ll see you at Walgreens!