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May 14, 2013

It’s shocking how most people don’t know how to survive it. How many times have you seen a poor, nauseated coworker clumsily flop down in their cubicle 20 minutes late reeking like a frat boy’s morning breath only to spend the rest of the day in agony? Constantly, right? They go out drinking with the arrogant mindset of, “I’ll figure it out tomorrow.” Well, that sh*t just ain’t gonna fly. Trust me, if you follow these 5 simple steps, you will finally know how to survive a hangover at work.

1. Chew gum and wear cologne/perfume.

This seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how many hungover  employees forget this important step. You think morning breath is bad? You haven’t smelled anything until a hungover asshole tries to tell you a secret around 9 AM. And that’s exactly what he smells like – an asshole. So, be sure to cover up those tell tale odors with a healthy amount of perfume or cologne and chew gum all day. Remember: What they don’t smell, won’t hurt ‘em.

2. Make the water cooler your best friend.

You might have a buddy in the cubicle next to you or maybe a work flirt you spend your free time with. Not today. When you’re hungover your only friend in that office is the water cooler. You need to stick to that drum of agua like glue. Pretty sure your work flirt won’t be as interested in you if she catches you barfing in the fake ficus near the breakroom. Practice caution and everything should be fine. Bottoms up!

3. Hit the food truck immediately.


Eat a massive amount of greasy food as soon as possible. Forget that diet you were going to try. Do away with that juice cleanse you’ve been wasting your time on. Being hungover is an amazingly legit reason to eat like a complete asshole. The more grease, the better. 

4. Figure out when your boss takes his lunch break.


You’re probably asking yourself, “Why the f**k does that matter?! I’m dying, asshole! Help me!” Easy my headache’d compadre, let me elaborate. Figure out when the big cheese bounces for his midday grub down because that window has now become your napping time. As soon as your boss hits the door, start your snoring. Sure, other employees might see you, but they can’t fire you. They can’t do sh*t other then snitch on you. Should an annoyingly nosey coworker decide to take the “law” into their own hands, make sure to have a incriminating false rumor about them on deck. Eye for an eye, you sober tattle tale.

5. Pound beers in the bathroom.

No better cure for a hangover than a little hair of the dog that bit ya! Wait for the coast to be clear, sneak a tall can or 40 oz. into the handicap stall and get to drinking your medicine! You’ll start feeling better in no time. Now that’s how to survive a hangover at work!