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September 12, 2016

Thank god Alicia's iPhone is charged because there's no other way to make noise in the zombie apocalypse. 9 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'Fear The Walking Dead' S02E11 "Pablo & Jessica"

1) Madison And Strand’s Bold New Strategy To Cover Their Faces In Blood

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Why is it that on The Walking Dead they’ve done the “Let’s cover ourselves in blood” thing maybe three times and on Fear The Walking Dead it happens at least twice per episode? It’s like the writers forgot something was a thing, and now they remembered it’s a thing, and now they’re super into that thing. Not dissimilar to personal phases I’ve gone through with chunky peanut butter, Steely Dan, and listening to Steely Dan while eating chunky peanut butter. Also, way to sober up quick! Had a few beers on a Sunday and work calls you to fill in for somebody? Smear zombie blood all over your face and you’ll be sober instantly! Also get a new job. It sounds like they don’t respect you or your down time.

2) Explain To Me The Geography Of This Hotel

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Seriously. Please explain to me how Madison and Strand were able to crawl out through a door and up on to a roof and down around the river bend and wind up on the other side of the door where Alicia and the Zombie Funky Bunch just happened to be? You can’t explain it because it doesn’t make sense. Or maybe it’s very simple to explain and makes total sense but I didn’t catch it because I wasn’t totally paying attention. It’s either one or the other or maybe a little of both.

3) Breaking Malo

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So a young junkie and an older dude with knowledge of pharmaceuticals get mixed up with a dangerous Mexican cartel and have to make drugs together in a hot, confined space in the desert? I LOVE THIS SHOW! It’s one of my favorite shows. It’s called Breaking Bad and it was on the same channel on the same day at the same time just during a different year. It was such a GREAT show. Well written, well acted, incredible plot, and phenomenal pacing. And then AMC had a meeting where they said, “What if we did the opposite?! You know, like that Seinfeld episode where George does the opposite!” And then everyone high-fived, because that was a great Seinfeld episode, and then they got sushi delivered for lunch and called it a half day and now we’re watching this show.

4) Reality Bites

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So, the great mystery of “Did Salazar Lite get bitten by a zombie and survive?” has been solved! And the answer is, “No.” Of course not. Obviously that was not what happened. Some other junkie who hadn’t turned bit him and that’s why he healed normally. But in Mexico it doesn’t take much to start a fully realized death cult these days! Just a half dozen misinformed eyewitnesses and a dimly lit church. Pretty sure that’s how the first Chick-fil-A got founded? That’s not a good joke. Sorry for that last joke. It wasn’t even a joke, that’s how bad of a joke it was. My lunch order is running late and I’m just not myself without my Monday salad!

5) “What’s Wrong?“

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Love that Nick is so desensitized to people walking around being covered in blood that he looks over at this guy and asks, “What’s wrong?” Classic. Nick, amigo, maybe el problemo = that dude looks like he was on one of those Magic School Bus episodes where they go inside the human body, except he got out of the bus for a blood swim and was then blown back up to full size. I was thinking about The Magic School Bus the other day, because why the fuck not, and I had some real issues with Ms. Frizzle. Yes, she’s definitely showing these kids some amazing things and teaching them stuff along the way BUT ALSO would I be comfortable with my child being sent to outer space for the afternoon? Depends, to be honest. I just hung out with my niece and nephew (I love them both so much) for Labor Day but there were multiple moments where I was like, “It’s probably a good thing I don’t have kids, because I would definitely put them on a school bus that goes to outer space if given the opportunity.” OH SHIT, THEY FOUND PABLO!?! ZOMBIE STRETCH MY HANDS PT. 1, BIG FAN OF HIS WORK.

6) Nick’s Smooth Boyfriend Reconnaissance

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Nice one, Nick. Very smooth. Asking her about her boyfriend to find out she doesn’t have one. The smoothest. And then you start asking about her parents to make sure they’re not home? Wow. Smooth overload. These moves have been officially certified smooth by Carlos Santana featuring Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20. That’s how smooth these moves are. They’re Grammy award winning moves, and they don’t even traditionally hand out Grammys for moves, but they’re willing to make an exception here because the moves are just that gosh darn smooth.

7) Yelling At Zombies In Spanish & Using An iPhone Speaker

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Did anyone else crack up that the guy was yelling at the zombies in Spanish? It was cute. I love it when people do cute stuff, it’s one of my favorite things people do! But any plan contingent on the audio quality of Apple’s iPhone speakers, especially a few years ago when this show takes place, is not a great plan. Why not just use your voice? It’s definitely louder and won’t run out of battery! You know what? Forget it! My lunch is here and this recap is the only thing standing between me being the newly appointed mayor of Salad Town.

8) This Plan Just Keeps Getting Better

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Madison walking backwards blindly while she hits a pan is a great plan and there’s obviously nothing wrong with that plan. Perfect plan! High fives all around, we’re ordering sushi for lunch! But why wasn’t Strand, the guy with established boat skills and knowledge, commanding the rescue boat? Because it seems like, ugh, you know what? Forget it! The salad I ordered isn’t going to eat itself! Let’s keep this train moving.

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We did it, team! We put all the zombies in the ocean. Now we just have to live in constant fear of them washing up on the shores and sneaking up on us while we relax on the beach! Huge upgrade. Well thought-out plan. Definitely earned today’s sushi haul.

9) Strand’s ASMR Pep Talk

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I used to have trouble sleeping, but not anymore since I started listening to Strand’s ASMR YouTube channel. So relaxing. Definitely the second smoothest thing about this episode. It’s like getting your brain massaged by god. I hear he’s starting a podcast for everyone looking to unwind after a long day of scrounging for cans of beans and killing survivors for their water supply. Those things are def trending these zombie days! JOIN US NEXT WEEK! Will Nick’s new romance lead to an unwanted child? If so, might I recommend outer space bus boarding school? You don’t want that thing tying you down right now! Will Chris and his new best friends The Mexibros™ wind up at the hotel and get multiple people killed? I’m not a betting man, but I would be five million dollars on it. Which is exactly why I’m not a betting man. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S02E12 of Fear The Walking Dead!