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Published July 01, 2013


As William and Kate's July 13th due date approaches, the media coverage of the royal baby continues to heat up. Here are 10 facts the mainstream media might have missed:

1.  Kate will receive six months of maternity leave from her royal duties—which include wearing fancy hats, smiling at malnourished children and having babies.

2. The couple has requested that fans wishing to give presents to the baby consider sending Big Ben coffee mugs or “Keep Calm and Carry On” t-shirts.

3. Bookies are offering 2-1 odds that the baby will have red hair and 1-1 odds that the baby will end up making a lot of money for bookies.

4. Baby scientists generally agree that there is a .0000000002% chance that something will get really screwed up and the royal baby will be Terry Bradshaw.

5. Despite the curiosity and excitement you feel regarding the royal baby, sources close to the couple confirm that neither William nor Kate have any shred of interest in you or in any babies you might have.

6. The news of the baby’s birth will be posted inside the gates of the Buckingham Palace, through social media and on Queen Elizabeth’s Wordpress blog.

7. To make ends meet with the new baby, William will likely have to sell his entire collection of Pogs, including the Royal Pogtainer and Slammer Set.

8. The royal baby will be the third in line heir to the throne—unless it is cloned, in which case the stronger, meaner clone will likely overpower the original baby and seize control of Britain and then the world.

9. A recent study shows that by the time this royal baby is announcing a baby of its own, you will be old as shit.

10. The royal baby has been a great fetus; hopefully it will be a Belieber.