Throw on your favorite tunes , open a fresh La Croix, and kick back with the tastiest tweets about everything that isn’t the worst!
when you wash your hands and the bathroom is out of paper towels— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) October 6, 2017
Airport security: sorry, sir, no liquids on the plane— thom (@Barknado69) April 9, 2016
Kool-aid Man: wow ok fuck this
finally passed my kidney stone, thank god pic.twitter.com/oDYxblcFQ5— trev (@sploosk) August 25, 2016
[at the chameleon store]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 12, 2016
Me: do you have any chameleons?
Clerk: I've no fucken idea
As his name is not "Biggest Bird", we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds— TOMb (@tomwalkerisgood) October 11, 2017
how old is Jeff?— Kids Write Jokes (@KidsWriteJokes) September 9, 2017
21 and his dad is 69
SOUND ON Y'ALL!
Any car is a self-driving car if you don't give a shit— thom (@Barknado69) June 12, 2017
14: when I'm older, I'm going to be married and so happy— Christian (@nopoweradeinusa) October 11, 2017
27: I wonder if I could do heroin just once & not do it again, I could be that guy
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.— The Ether Bunny (@xLiserx) October 7, 2017
I cant stop laughing thinking about deciding to write an xmas song, then sitting down and writing the sentence "here comes santa claus"— Culloween Ghostford (@HelloCullen) October 10, 2017
*holding corndogs in both hands as I dance in the club*— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) October 7, 2017
Are we really just gonna sit here and pretend it's not amazing as fuck that spiders shit booby traps?— Dan Omen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) October 12, 2017
BOSS: did you finish that report?— online hype guy (@TheHyyyype) October 11, 2017
ME [just read about multiverse theory where everything that's possible has happened in some reality]: yes
*Flicks cigarette* Buddy, think you know oppression? Imagine being a talking peanut forced to sell your dead relatives remains for eternity— Frankenboog (@BoogTweets) October 11, 2017
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 5, 2017
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
75% of being an adult is replying "Great!" to things that aren't.— Andrea More (@amore_orless) September 28, 2017
quit your job and eat— NYT Minus Context (@NYTMinusContext) October 10, 2017
BONUS TWEET!!!!! Fuck the rules! We make our own reality!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything. pic.twitter.com/K4KHNn1ZIm— Paul Fairie (@paulisci) October 11, 2017
Ok, see ya next week!