Full Credits

Stats & Data

1Funny
0Die
72
Views
January 08, 2017
Published
Description

Many, many people are talking about how the upcoming Inauguration will be the most significant day in our country’s history, so I, Donald J. Trump, wanted to use the most momentous occasion to humbly extend an olive branch to my enemies.

Dear America,

As we head closer to Inauguration Day on Friday, January 20th 2017, many, many people are talking about how it will be the most significant day in our country’s history.

So I wanted to use the most momentous occasion in our country’s history to humbly extend an olive branch to my enemies. To those 62 million citizens–taking out, of course, the 3million illegal votes in the election–I’ll give you the opportunity to admit how foolish you’ve been.

I’ll wait.

Still waiting…

Okay.

I must admit, this has been one crazy year.

It’s been a year of other people blaming Muslims, saying they commit all the violence everywhere, other people insulting Mexicans, saying they are stealing American jobs, and President Obama has been undermined every step of the way by some other, really ugly people. Let me tell you, too, if Hillary Clinton hadn’t falsely accused President Barack Hussein Obama of being a Kenyan citizen, I believe this would have been a much better election.

So, to the 35 million “Killary"voters, let me say, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you will give me a chance.

Many, many things that I’ve promised to do will benefit you just as much as any of the true Americans that voted for me,so let me tell you about some of the key measures.

THE WALL

Let me tell you, this will be a GREAT WALL.

I know, I know. Most of you are skeptical that it will do anything of value. You’re wrong. Have you ever tried walking through a wall? I mean, I’ve tried it many times and it is hard. Near impossible. I got through one wall, once, but it was a wall built by my dad and he wasn’t as good at building things as I am.

My son, Barron and I spend hours, hours, playing with Tinker Toys and Legos–all gold-plated, of course–and we have gotten really, really good. Great, even, some people say.

I believe, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating at all, when I say that this wall will be greater even than the Great Wall of China. We’ll call our wall the Great, Great Wall or maybe the Great-Est Wall. I don’t know. We’ll see.

It will be BIG either way.

And when that border is sealed, our jobs will be sealed up with it, forever. Two big things checked off at once. Twofer.

I’m good at this. The best.

OBUMMER-CARE

This clunker was just terrible. Really,really bad. Believe me. When I say it’s bad, you can believe that I mean it because I rarely exaggerate. Most people tell me that I’m very reliable.

The MOST reliable at judging…well…anything.

Just look at my history of judging on the highest-rated television show of all time, The Apprentice, or the other highest-rated television show of all time,Celebrity Apprentice, taking out, of course, the horrible Arnold’s hosting of this new season. And don’t forget about the Miss Universe pageant.

All excellent examples of judgment. My judgment.

You can trust me when I say that the so-called, "Affordable Healthcare Act,” is anything but affordable. And I must say that it’s a real problem when less people have health insurance today than before Obama took office. Really, really bad. Poor results.

So, the first thing I’ll do is repeal Obummercare, and guess what?

You can still get healthcare. It’s easy. Just call your nearest healthcare provider and tell them you want the Platinum package. PLA-TI-NUM Package. I don’t know all the details, but I’m told by my assistants, Indugu and Jorge, that that is the best way to go. That will cover everything.

I should be a perfect example of how great the Platinum Package is, too, because my doctor stated on record that I am the healthiest President to ever assume the office.

That’s saying something.

DRAIN. THE. SWAMP.

I hated this slogan. Hated it. But then, all my supporters started chanting it at every rally and I noticed something. Catchy taglines work, whether or not I mean what the line says. Who caresas long as 40,000 people are screaming it back at me?

But I meant it then. I mean it now. I’ll,

Drain! The! Swamp!

Before going any further, go back to that line and say it again. Now, say it again while also imagining a stadium full of people chanting it with you. Kind of a rush, right? Similar to an adrenaline shot right to the ticker like the one I get every morning as part of my Platinum Healthcare Package.

Anyway, it might not look like I’m draining the swamp as I’m filling that swamp with new, never-before-seen creatures, ugly creatures, but that is all part of my long-term, bigly plan. Believe me when I tell you that the only way to drain the swamp is to fill the swamp first. It is all part of my secret strategy to truly drain the swamp.

It’s such a deep, long game that you might not even see the results of my draining the swamp for four, maybe even five decades. But when you finally see it, many, many years from now, know that I made it possible. Only me.

You can thank me then.

So, let me wrap this up by saying to the 15million folks out there that voted for that Nasty Woman: I am your President, too, whether I like it or not.

We may as well all get used to it.

Your President,

Donald J. Trump

Advertisement
Advertisement