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breakingbad-3.jpgIt's time for another edition of Predicting Bad, in which we (badly) predict the fate of America's favorite meth kingpin and his family. We've got a whole new batch of predictions for you this week but first, let's recap:

Episode 3 (or 11 for the split-season purists), "Confessions", opens with Todd leaving a voicemail for Walt explaining the recent "restructuring" of their organization. He then regales his Nazi pals with his Great Meth Train Robbery story over some post-murder eggs and toast. Meanwhile, at the police station, Jesse refuses to cooperate with Hank because Hank kicked the shit out of him a while back and also 'cause, you know, snitches are bitches, yo. We then find Walt using Skyler's Maybelline to cover up his current shade of "Hank Fist" when he has to intercept Walt Jr. from being lured over to Hank and Marie's house. Walt Sr. breaks it to Flynn Sr. that the cancer is back, which leaves the breakfast-loving boy firmly planted in his sick dad's corner (and away from uncle Hank). 
 
After a Mexican restaurant meet-up so tense it causes one poor waiter to question the very nature of cheeriness itself, Walt leaves Hank a "confession" tape in which he claims that Hank was the real drug kingpin and he was a mere pawn. Walt spins a long, detailed yarn about Hank's involvement with Gus Fring and how Hank threatened to kill Walt's family if Walt refused to cook meth for him. One actually-true true bit of knowledge dropped on Hank is that his physical therapy had been funded by 77,000 dollars worth of dirty meth money, a revelation which implicates him and most likely makes him regret turning down those margaritas.   
 
Breaking-Bad-511-010.jpgCut to the desert: Saul brings Jesse for a talking-to from Walt. Walt, in nice-guy mode, suggests that perhaps Jesse might benefit from a "fresh start" in a new place with a new identity. Jesse, tired of being jerked around, finally calls out Walt for killing Mike and essentially threatening to kill him too if he refuses to comply with this friendly life advice. After Walt initiates perhaps the most one-sided "hug it out" in TV history, Jesse, having little else he can do with Hank on his back and all, goes along with the plan and agrees to see Saul's guy about becoming Jesse Purpleman. It's only as he's waiting for the van to take him away forever that he realizes it was Walt who took the ricin cigarette with intent to poison Brock. Jesse then proceeds to go apeshit, punching out Saul for knowing about the whole scheme (though he claims he was just trying to help) and dousing Walt's home with gasoline. 
 
So, now that we're up to speed, here are some predictions of how things could shake out based on what we know so far (note that some possibilities have already been ruled out).
   
  • The Shraders and the Whites work out their differences over a big plate of chips 'n' guac.
  • Impressed with the results of using Skyler's foundation under his eyes, Walt eventually starts wearing full drag makeup and going by the name "Heisenfierce". 
  • In a nod to the show's fans, Hank and Marie spend the entire final episode discussing how annoying Skyler is.
  • Hank goes after Walt for illegal downloading after discovering a bunch of pirated Family Guy episodes on his confession DVD.
  • REAL LIFE PREDICTION: someone on the internet puts Walt's confession tape over the Usher song "Confessions" and people watch it.
  • Badger and skinny Pete sell their Star Trek pie-eating contest script and become kingpins of the science fiction-writing world. (looking less and less likely but still possible)
  • In addition to suggesting that he leave town and start a new life, Walt recommends some cute restaurants Jesse "has to try".
  • Bill Burr comes out and does ten minutes of his best stuff.
  • After confessing to Jesse that he took the ricin cigarette to poison Brock, Bryan Cranston breaks character, turns to camera and says "but that's nothing compared to the thousands of children poisoned by second-hand smoke each year", revealing the entire series to be an elaborate, incredibly well-written anti-smoking PSA.
  • Kevin looks out the window and smiles at Old Man Marley, happy to see him reunited with his estranged son and granddaughter.
 
Okay, so that last one is still just the ending of Home Alone but hey, it was a nice moment, wasn't it? Kevin had really misjudged that guy. Anyway, that does it for this week's installment but be sure to check back each week as we recap the latest episode and continue to Predict Bad(ly).

 

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