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July 13, 2015
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We're all shitting our pants over the new Star Wars footage from Comic Con. Here's how to handle the aftermath.

Yesterday at Comic-Con, a behind-the-scenes reel was released for The Force Awakens aka the new JJ Abrams-helmed Star Wars. As if that wasn’t enough, Carrie Fischer, Mark Hamill, and Harrison Ford all got onstage together causing the assholes of nerds worldwide to go slack and let slip the dogs of anal war.

In other words: We all shit our fucking pants.

There’s zero shame in this. In fact if you didn’t shit your pants, you are the shameful one. But shitting your pants comes with its own set of challenges. You’re gonna need someone to walk you through these next few minutes. As someone who regularly shits her pants over nerd stuff, consider me your turd sherpa.

OK, first, you must stop shitting. Clench your ass cheeks together. Sit on your thumb. Whatever you have to do to stem the tide, do it. If you don’t, you will eventually shit out your heart and die, that’s a medical fact.

Great, now that you’ve stopped actively shitting, shut your laptop. Just slam the lid shut and waddle away. You didn’t miss an Easter egg, they won’t ‘change their minds’ and pull the video down. You can watch it again AFTER you have remastered control of your giddy asshole.

Once you’re out of immediate danger, head to the bathroom. On your way, grab any T-shirts or towels you can find. You’re going to want to cover mirrors and reflective surfaces. To gaze into your own eyes after shitting your pants is more emotionally dangerous than coming down from too much Molly and finding out your whole family exploded all at the same time.

Turn on the shower, icy cold. More hot water is NOT good for an already relaxed poop-chute. Once the water is running, hop in. You know what to do. I won’t elaborate cause sometimes my mom reads these things. Basicallyget the poo gone.

Alright, you’re clean now — almost done. But there’s that desk chair/couch/bean bag chair you were sitting in when the shit happened. If you live alone, great. Put it on the curb a block away and take the loss. If you live with someone else, your only option is to get a puppy. Go out, get the cutest puppy you can find and blame the shit on the dog. Hopefully it’s cute enough to get away with it.

That’s it! Now you must simply learn to live with your new identity as a person who shit their pants because of Star Wars. What you do with this moment of self-discovery is your choice and yours alone. Tell the story at parties. Take the secret to your grave. Join us on the message boards. It’s up to you.

Trust your feelings and may the Force (to hold your shit in your body) be with you.

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