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March 25, 2017

A rant for Chris Hardwick, on the wonders of childhood that we are not allowed to do but still do.


(Rant for Chris Hardwick)

Ah childhood, the simple joys of drinking a juice box, munching down on the latest new brand of fruit snack while watching afternoon cartoons or finding out if Superman was able to take down the latest villain in the latest comic book, he was by the way. Sometimes I feel that as you get older they ask us to give up the stuff we loved doing when we were little. None of the disgusting things like eating ones boogers, or telling fart jokes, oh hell fart jokes are still awesome, forget what I just said. I am full grown ass man and I still watch cartoons, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, brings me back to the late 80’s where I had no friends, and no girlfriend, luckily i had the turtles to keep me company, yes go ahead and cry for me but to those losers in the present, you can grow up and end up married to a model so to the bullies that locked me in my locker in high school, in your face! Now i play Final Fantasy in my underwear while my wife cooks me Pizza Tostinos Rolls which makes every man who grew dream come true.

Now that I made every young twenty to mid thirty year old man want to put me on fire man’s flag pole to salute my undergarments let me just say that when you hit my age you take all the youth oriented stuff you can grab your hands on! When I was a kid, I could not go to Disneyland whenever I want and now I still cant because of work, but when I can…WHEE!!! Ah man I loved being a kid. You can eat all the candy and junk food you want without thinking about the consequences but as you get older, that goes down the toilet. I am not saying it sucks being an adult, far from it. I can burp whenever I want, make fart noises come out of my arm pits, and spit in the front row, well Lydia has forbid me from doing that so forget it also I do not want all you go after me in the parking lot, by the way Lydia start the engine rolling as soon as I finish this. Sure we adult look down upon if we suddenly go on a playground, but as soon as you get on the swings a police officer comes by and you have to leave it so fast that your head spins so they would not accuse of being a pedofile. I mean who says it’s wrong to jump and down when you heard about the new Justice League Movie, or go to bed in your Bat Man pajamas, because in my mind I am still ten years old and I am married to the girl of my dreams thank you.