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October 14, 2015

Hillary Clinton took longer to pee than any other presidential candidate during a commercial break at the first Democratic debate. Our nation's republican leadership launches an investigation to find out why.


Hillary Clinton, democratic presidential candidate and
woman who pees for an absurdly long time

Hillary Clinton took longer to pee than any other presidential candidate during a commercial break at the first Democratic debate. That’s left Republicans wondering: hey, what’s the deal with that!?


We, the Republican leadership of the United States, have launched an official investigation to find out what took Hillary Clinton so long in the bathroom at the first Democratic Presidential Debate. We plan to engage in serious, deliberate, and exhaustive oversight investigations vis-a-vis what led up to this event, what happened that night in that bathroom, and why Hillary Clinton still refuses to tell the whole truth.

As such, we have formally requested theories on Hillary Clinton’s peeing whereabouts from our top members. These theories will be fully investigated via a hearing and are provided below:

Rep. Kevin McCarthy, California: Hillary was flushing critical emails, which she treats like toilet paper, down the toilet. I’m heading a committee to investigate what electronic devices she flushed down the toilet during the debate. I’m also sending Paul Ryan to the World Wide Web to make sure Hillary didn’t break in and steal the Declaration of Independence à la Nick Cage in the great documentary, National Treasure.

Rep. John Boehner, Ohio: This is what happened: Hillary walked into the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and thought to herself, “what am I doing in politics?” While she was debating Bernie Sanders, the democratic equivalent of the Pope, she began to question her beliefs. Hillary, if you need a shoulder to cry with, I’m your shoulder. Darn, I got spray tan dust in my eyes!

Gov. Chris Christie, New Jersey: Look, we all know Hillary is full of shit. And it came to a head during the debate. In the bathroom. She was so full of shit that she took a gigantic poop. That’s the Benghazi “shitstorm” we keep hearing about.

Dr. Ben Carson: Me brain surgeon! We should think twice before electing someone who can’t go two and half hours without using the restroom. Me brain surgeon! Nazis regularly used the bathroom. Also, the muslims. But not people with guns, because they know how to hold pee. Think about it. Connect the dots. Me brain surgeon!

Rep. Jason Chaffetz, Utah: Hillary was flushing fetuses down the toilet with Ms. Ellen “P.P.” Planned Parenthood. Hillary said she had to pee-pee, but she really had to “P.P.” Wow, that Ellen “P.P.” is a real piece of work.

Donald Trump: Plain and simple: Hillary was peeing, like the disgusting, blonde Rosie O'Donnell that she is. My wife Melania, on the other hand, is classy — she doesn’t pee. You know why? I built a great, great wall around her genitalia to keep all of that gross bathroom stuff in.

Sen. Marco Rubio, Florida: I once met a woman in a bathroom. She came in, wearing a gorgeous red dress and pearl earrings. She took me by the hands and blew kisses in my face. We softly danced a cha-cha-cha. And then, before I knew it, she flushed herself down the toilet. Twelve hours later, I awoke to the sounds of CNN’s Anderson Cooper banging on the bathroom door yelling “MARCO! Did the hemorrhoids make you pass out again?” That’s probably what happened to Hillary.

Rep. Paul Ryan, Wisconsin: Guys, I’m sorta tired of all this. Everyone thinks we’re crazy. Can we give it a rest? Nope? Okay, then my theory is that Hillary was rebooting herself because she is a robot. A policy robot. Who will become president and destroy us all using an army of pant-suited female robots.

Sen. Mitch McConnell, Kentucky: Hillary was giving Bill a blowie! I mean, she was wearing a blue dress …