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April 30, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com. Thank you.

While visiting Syria, a spokesman for the U.N. told reporters, “I think things have been moving as fast as possible.” “Seriously?” said everyone who died in Syria in March 2011 alone.

Blind Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng is rumored to be hiding in the U.S. Embassy in Beijing after escaping house arrest. Though it’s also possible he’s just still in his house.

At last night’s White House correspondents’ dinner, Rick Santorum asked Lindsay Lohan to pose for a picture. Santorum said she’s his kids’ favorite example of not doing drugs.

The New York Times reports that Apple got around paying $2.4 billion in taxes. Or about 20 laptops.

Saudi Arabia arrested Egyptian lawyer and activist Ahmed el-Gizawy for allegedly smuggling anti-anxiety pills. To be fair, you’d need a lot of them in order to live in either country.

Patrick Dempsey used a crowbar to pry a teenage boy from a car crash outside his home. Unfortunately the boy was already in shock thanks to Dempsey’s beautiful eyes.

Kim Kardashian is in talks to star in a sitcom. Rumor is it might reunite her with former co-star, a black man’s penis.

A friend of Kardashian’s said she sees acting as “something she wants to do just for her.” Because up to this point she’s been nothing but selfless. 

Britain is considering placing a surface-to-air missile system on the roof of an apartment complex in preparation for the Olympics. Or as they explained it to residents, guv’nuh wants to take your flat an put a winky woggle on her.

In Iraq, a staging of “Romeo and Juliet” portrays the Montagues and Capulets as Shiites and Sunnis. “But where will the conflict come from?” asked the U.S. government.

A Vanity Fair editor was apparently told by the NYPD to leave a movie theater or be arrested for bringing in juice. In related news, the same thing more or less happened in Iran.