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Published October 29, 2010 More Info »
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Published October 29, 2010

The recent Powerball lottery winner from Missouri said that he was going to pay back a $1000 loan to a buddy, and "probably get a new engine in his truck".

He's 29. And he has seven teeth. Too much sugar water and Chunky bars.

He won over $200 million. He's going to drop a new Datsun four-banger engine in his truck (clarification: Datsun truck = two door car with a bed) with rusted-out holes in the floor, and three ragged and torn Playboy Bunny mud flaps...

If I won mega millions for $223 million, I would spend $220 million of it on a naked statue of myself for my living room. It would be made of gold-plated diamonds, and you could only polish it with baby sweat or else it would explode and kill everyone within a three-mile radius. Very delicate. My statue's facial features would be enhanced with Mario Lopez replica dimples, but they would covered by facial hair made from walrus whiskers. It would have tight rippling abs that look like six grenades laying under a silk sheet, and a constantly flexed power ass that looks more like two bare shoulders from a full grown male bison. Visitors would regularly inquire about the aggressively positioned third leg with a bottle opener on the end of it. This would be a grand statue.

I would spend $2 million on white tube socks, underpants with EazyFlex waistlines, v-cut undershirts, black mesh basketball shorts with pockets, complete sheet sets for my bed, and a fireplace in my bedroom. And I would buy a person. At the end of every day of the rest of my life, the person would peel off all of my clothes and bedding and throw them in the fire, and then redress me. I would not throw the person in the fire.

I would spend $500k on turning my garage into a meat locker, and I would buy meat. All different kinds (including circus pony, and bald eagle), and I would buy crapload of it. I would spend $100 on a food dehydrator from a compelling infomercial, and make thousands of pounds of jerky. I would take naps on various piles of jerky in my garage, and snack on it when waking up momentarily. Most of it would go bad. I would develop rare infections from sleeping on bad meat all the time. It would frustrate me.

I would spend $350k on a functional jet pack and wear it all the time to bars, concerts, church, work, and shirtless at the gym, and I would never use it. I would spend $20 at Kinko's on a laminated sign that I would duct tape to the back of the jet pack. It would read, "this is a real jet pack. it works. i wear it all the time. i never turn it on."

I would contribute $6 towards bringing the NBA back to Seattle.

I would bet $30 to create odds in Vegas that dogs will take over the world within thirty years. You always put some money on odds that outrageous. I would win well over $200 million.

I would put the remaining winnings in a college savings account at Wells Fargo for my niece. By the time she's in college, with Wells Fargo's generous yields, she'll be able to buy a bundle of used pencils and a bag of Swedish fish.

That would pretty well clean it all out within roughly one work week. I firmly stand by my financial motto, "Spend everything that you have, as quickly as you can, just in case you die. If you die, at least you spent everything that you had." Leave with a clean slate, leave with a clean mind.

Long term investments become more of a cause for ongoing stress, than a source of comfort. It's very similar to raising a child/human, or baking: it's going to take a long time, and you hope that everything ends up going well, but it probably won't.

Sorry for being so short this week. Try to have a good weekend. (that's what he said)

Until next time: You can't bake a kid, you can bake a cake, but if you accidentally did, it was probably a mistake.

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