This week’s tweets are completely helpless.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?— brent (@murrman5) January 14, 2018
Me: I haven't spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.— Alex with an ex (@psybermonkey) January 15, 2018
Therapist: She isn't going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You're right...*dials number*
Mom, you're going to die *hangs up*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) January 12, 2018
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it— Dropped Mike (@rebrafsim) January 12, 2018
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
‘Don’t let the bed bugs bite!’— Jersey (@better_off_dad) January 15, 2018
~My Dad, introducing me to insomnia
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not— pixelated boat (@pixelatedboat) January 16, 2018
Interviewer: what is your biggest weakness— cory (@coryrichardson_) January 9, 2018
me: sometimes i forget when i put things in the oven
Interviewer: .... ok, what about your str-
me: I'LL BE RIGHT BACK
Any text from someone over the age of 60 looks like they typed it while jumping out of a plane.— AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ (@AmericanGent69) January 16, 2018
1998: In 20 years we'll have flying cars— Greg Baroth (@gbaroth) January 15, 2018
2018: we literally have to tell people not to eat Tide Pods
make up your mind, egg salad sandwich— your new dad (@drankturpentine) December 28, 2017
Mark Wahlberg: $30k for one day of work.— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) January 14, 2018
Michelle Williams: $1k for one day of work.
Garfield: $0 for having worked every day for almost 40 years, and probably until the end of time, as Garfield never dies, AND he has to do all of this while suffering from severe depression.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.— Leanna Renee (@leannuh_renay) January 14, 2018
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[1st date]— Terry F (@daemonic3) January 9, 2018
HER: I once had a rat I named Ratatouille
ME: Actually, Ratatouille was the name of a food dish, the rat's name was Link
HER: That's not even how that works, Einstein
ME: [as she's leaving] I think you mean Einstein's Monster
Boy are you a yard sale? Because I'm not buying any of your shit.— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) January 15, 2018
"I want us to exercise together and eat more salads", I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) June 21, 2017
when I feel sick from eating too many sweets I eat a salty thing next. when I eat too much of that I have another sweet to balance it out. then sometimes I’ll need another salty thing to feel ok again. but then I might need another sweet thing to settle my stomach. then I’ll hav— maison having a good time (@maisonshouting) January 16, 2018
Me after eating a Nature Valley granola bar pic.twitter.com/BDfXLqDmVJ— Timisola (@ItsTimiDuhh) January 11, 2018
If you chew a mouthful of cashews and craisins together it kind of tastes like peanut butter & jelly, but in, like, a sad grown-up way.— Myrrh (@ixix82) January 12, 2018
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCavemann) January 10, 2018
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I've had a Phil Collins slow jam stuck in my head for days now, and I'm terrified this is how I come to the realization that I'm an elevator.— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) January 9, 2018
I just learned today that Cardi B's real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating— keamon (@thomaskeamon) January 10, 2018
Maybe I'm a monster, but if we stop animal testing, will they even DO the reading?— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) January 16, 2018
If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) January 12, 2018
Him: Everything happens for a reason— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) January 10, 2018
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday's bosom
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
you touch your face 2500 times a day, that's 2500 times a day the body realises you are inside it, moves to claw you out, then is temporarily overruled— village fetish (@botandy) January 9, 2018
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself— Not Sara (@smithsara79) December 11, 2017
Sister-in-law: *crying* is this why you wanted an open casket
me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier— Kal (@captainkalvis) January 12, 2018
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk