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Published July 28, 2014

A proposal to overhaul the Department of Veterans Affairs and the nation’s medical care for military veterans is expected to pass the House and Senate this week. What are some of the biggest effects this bill promises to have?

  • Eligible veterans will be able to seek non-VA care if they have waited more than 30 days for an appointment. That number is reduced to 20 days if they agree to wait in a haunted castle.
  • Hospitals cannot be cleaned with piss and vinegar. It’s gotta be one or the other.
  • No more letting cats into emergency rooms unless cats are licensed to operate on veterans.

Dr. Catz, MD, will see you meow.

  • Soldiers with signs of PTSD are to be given therapy, not be told they are “mega pussies.” Also, insults involving one’s momma are off limits.
  • Instead of being put on a wait list to see a doctor only to be forgotten about, veterans will be put on a forgetting wait list so they know when it’s their turn to be forgotten.

The pain of not knowing when one has been completely disregarded can be too much to handle.

  • Hospital administrators can immediately fire both under-performing employees and under-performing soldiers learning to walk again who clearly don’t “want it enough.”
  • It will finally be acknowledged that cat doctors are just as likely to sexually harass human patients and fellow employees.

Not cool, Dr. Winslow Whiskerman. Not cool.