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December 18, 2015
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Congress passed a new $1.1 trillion budget bill this week. How did both sides of the aisle agree to it so easily? We have the line-item report from the latest budget.

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U.S. Congress, where all the really hard work gets done

Congress passed a new $1.1 trillion budget bill this week, which increased 2016 spending by $66 billion, increased tax benefits, and added over $500 billion to the deficit. The bill was passed with minimal heartache by both sides of the aisle. How did they agree to it so easily? We have the line item report from the latest budget.


  • Men’s beard-grooming services, primarily to be used by Paul Ryan, Wisconsin: $1.7 million
  • Buttermilk biscuit lobby Christmas gifts, South Carolina: $2.8 million
  • Ronald Reagan shrine upkeep: $3 million
  • Bottled water (Fiji or Evian only) for California: $300 million
  • Bottled water (any brand) for Marco Rubio, Florida: $1 million
  • Visits to Cuba by all members of Congress. And no, these are not vacations. We swear. We are going for official government work: $27.4 million
  • Copy of How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie for Ted Cruz, Texas: $10
  • Harry Reid’s new eye, including installation, Nevada: $0.9 million
  • Real Housewives of Beverly Hills–approved lip implants for Mitch McConnell, Kentucky: $3 million
  • Re-re-re-re-re-investigations into Hillary Clinton’s email server: $575 million
  • Guns for each Republican member of Congress: $4.7 million
  • Gun-related insurance surcharge: $390 million
  • A fancy pen or gold watch or something, retirement gift for Obama: $200
  • Spray tans for John Boehner, Ohio (carryover from 2015): $4.7 million
  • Republican bribe to convince Donald Trump to drop out of the presidential race: $100 million
  • Democratic bribe to convince Donald Trump to stay in the presidential race: $101 million
  • Additional Republican bribe to convince Donald Trump to drop out of the presidential race: $2 million
  • Additional Democratic bribe to convince Donald Trump to stay in the presidential race: $5 million
  • Even more Republican bribe to convince Donald Trump to drop out of the presidential race: $10 million
  • Realization that you all just gave Donald Trump a ton of money and he’s still going to do whatever the fuck he wants: priceless
  • The Official Bill Clinton Annual Party Fund: $27.4 million
  • Bernie Sanders, Vermont 2016 salary increase request: $1 and a new stapler
  • Payoffs for each member of Congress so everyone will shut up and be happy so we can all leave for Christmas vacation: $20.3 million
  • Other stuff that’s less important TBD: $1 trillion
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