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May 25, 2017

Sean has been SO freakin' annoying ever since he married your mom. These rad tricks will make him so mad that everything will be like it was before.

It was hard when mom and dad told you they were getting a divorce, but you could accept it. Now some dude named Sean is around your mom all the time and expects you to be cool about it? He wishes. After crushing some of the following tricks, Sean will definitely get super mad and move back out.


A simple backside stall

Backside stall
As you make your turn at the top of the ramp, pause and pop the nose while trying to keep the lip in between your trucks and the tail. Stall for less than 2 seconds then ride right back down the ramp. Definitely don’t look at Sean or mom during the stall; you’ll want to, but if you give them a look now, you’ll tip them off that you’re about to shred and they’ll probably make you leave the skate park early before the real damage can be done.


Fakie kickflip over a small stair set

Fakie kickflip
Ride fakie towards a small set (2 stairs is fine). Demonstrate your dominance by popping, then sliding your lead foot off the right side of the board in a downward kicking motion. As the board flips around, catch it and push it down to land. Land smoothly and ride away looking relaxed. Here we go. It’s your carefree, bad-ass attitude that is probably making Sean grip your mom’s hand a little tighter. He might whisper to your mom, “Who does this kid think he is?”



Just smoothly ride towards a bench and ollie up. Press down on the nose of the board until all your weight is on your lead foot. Grind out, then pop off for another smooth landing. You didn’t 50/50 it; you just crushed a smooth as silk nosegrind in Sean’s stupid face. After you land, give him a quick look, maybe with a sneer. He’ll probably be turning red with real anger now.Don’t get overconfident. He’ll probably say something to your mom, like “Wow, he’s getting really lucky on those rad tricks today.” At this point, your mom will probably have her first glimmer of doubt about her new marriage.


Nollie Hardflip

Nollie Hardflip
Right when Sean is internally raging about your technical nosegrind, step on the nose of the board and push away from you like you are doing a nollie shove-it, but gently slide your rear foot up and off the board to the right. Let it rotate in 2 planes then catch it when the tape side is facing your feet.

Look, they don’t call it a hardflip because it’s freaking easy. You don’t have to do this over an obstacle or stairs. Just doing it on the flat ground will be enough to get Sean out of his seat and walking towards you, yelling about respecting traditions. “Back in my day, we didn’t have the balls to try a nollie hardflip! You disrespectful young punk!” He’ll really be mad now and your mom will be embarrassed. The other moms will give her a knowing look that says, “You should divorce Sean.”

You’ve got him right where you want him. So what if he took you to a Mets game? That doesn’t mean he gets to be your dad. If that was true, then your fifth grade social studies teacher Mr. Pike would be your dad because he took the whole class to a Mets game last year.


Benihana grab off a ramp or pipe

Benihana grab
If Sean hasn’t stood up to come yell at you for your ‘tude, then hopefully he and mom are sitting in that usual spot behind the 4 foot half pipe. Drop in, build up some speed, and launch right above their heads. At the peak of the jump, grab the tail of the board and drop your right leg off, as far away as you can. Far away from Sean, like where you’d be if you had any say about where you lived now.

As you fly over them, Sean will be humiliated and realize that he will never, ever, ever be your dad. Ever. Yeah, his homemade pizza is pretty good and he puts on extra meatball like you asked. Sure, his car goes fast. And he let you steer that one time. Plus, he is pretty nice to mom, and she does deserve a break after Dad made her cry all those times.

That doesn’t matter, though. Nothing will change the fact that Sean moved in and changed your life without you having any say in it. Mom just let it happen, too. Things were finally seeming normal again and then she wants you to meet her “special friend.” Soon he’s staying over a few times a week, and then you have to be the ring bearer in their wedding and wear a stupid tuxedo.

Mom will probably realize how wrong she was to do this to you as you approach the lip and pull your back foot back in, landing smoothly and rolling back down the half-pipe. They’ll probably get divorced soon after.

Serves him right for offering to take you guys to the skate park on his day off.