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July 06, 2015
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Breaking news regarding Greece's debt crisis and the steps they've taken to alleviate it.

With a looming 1.5 billion euro debt payment due to European banks and the IMF, Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras sold the naming rights to his country to Dick’s Sporting Goods, “Greece is a nation synonymous with culture, democracy, and philosophy. And Dick’s Sporting Goods is currently offering 30% off all kettlebell weights. This is a perfect partnership.”

The Republic of Dick’s Sporting Goods’ Finance Minister, Yanis Varoufakis, also announced plans to sell the naming rights to several Greek landmarks and historic sites, “The Parthenon will now be known as ‘The Foot Locker Parthenon.’ The Acropolis is ‘The Skittles Center’ and ‘The Temple of Zeus’ is ‘Dave and Buster’s Chill Zone.’ I fucking hate the IMF. And fuck Germany.”

After throwing down his microphone at the press conference and leaving the stage, the embattled and clearly agitated Varoufakis left to go for a much-needed break with his family on the island of Carl’s Jr.

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