Aussie journalist Anna James has written for XOJane.com, MLB.com and the Sydney Morning Herald. All I cared about was her hot bod. You know I hook up with all my interviewees. BY NICOLE RUSSIN

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A real article from Anna James’ official website, about the time she saw Will Ferrell visiting Australia and, yes, masturbating outside a little kid area. Get used to it, Aussies!

I heard you were looking for eligible bachelors on Tinder. I don’t mean to let you down, but you’re going to have a hard time. Half of the results in your area are my fake male profiles. I’m kind of a perv like that.

I suspected as much. Saw what looked like a modelling shot of yours with a moustache drawn on in Paint. The search is over, now I just sit around with my girlfriends and play Tindopoly. We’ve assigned numbers of gulps to every photo: a picture of a man with a tiger gets you one, a McGuyver shot (jumping out of a plane, wearing cargo pants, skiing) gets you two. To earn three gulps it’s a solid dick pic or the I-have-a-heart-so-I-borrowed-my-niece-for-this-snap. Someone wins when they admit the Tequila has started to taste like loneliness.

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Nicole Russin’s secret dating profile shot. The ‘stache didn’t work. :(

Other than finding my profiles, what’s the worst online dating experience you’ve had on Tinder?

I Wingwomaned a girlfriend’s first Tinder date. I told her it was because I suspected he was a serial killer when in actuality I was bored and dateless on a Saturday night. He thought he hit the jackpot, we thought he was a circus runaway – something he failed to mention on his profile. Dick. I did leave with a good pasta sauce recipe, so there’s that.

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Anna James walks around town dressed like a Glee dork.

What’s up with your prison pen pal search lately? Thanks for busting me out, by the way.

You’re welcome! You had me at ‘Busty seeking Busting Out.’ It’s futile to be honest. Some guy was “looking for a sprinkle for his cupcake” and I don’t speak prison, but I don’t do anal on the first date.

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Nicole Russin can’t spell, as evidenced on her PrisonPenPals.com ad.

I heard you bailed out Chris Brown; he then attended the VMAs. True or false?

In Australia, we cannot speak about Chris Brown without legal representation. Can I call my lawyer?

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Anna James used this photo of her from Guantanamo Bay for her dating profile.

Have you gotten threatened by Rihanna, or is she over him?

I believe the words were “I’ll cut you” accompanied by a menacing gyration. Is that her thing? I’m forever questioning whether she wants to kill or fuck me. I’d take both. I think Amanda Bynes is on top of her hit list right now, so I’m chill on the front. For now.

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Anna James is photographed for no reason.

You suggested a fun idea for this article about playing Tinder ― as a drinking game with your ex-boyfriend. How does that work?

Basically, we decided to help each other date because you know, healthy. He came over, we got drunk and set up our profiles. Then we lost our shit. Apparently calling myself “The girl with the good personality” is slutty and I took five shots when I say his McGuyver shot, which totally fucked my Tindopoly rules. We fought about that too. I miss him.

Ah, I remember that now. I played that game with your ex-boyfriend! Hence why he’s your “ex.” And as you should have figured out, he’s also the very reason I went to prison and…you and I met as pen pals. Do you have any other exes you want me to do in? My going rate is $500,000 AUS/more in USD and a guest starring role in a DiCaprio film, if you can arrange that. Leo is the one guy I won’t drown. He’s too good looking.

Did you want A to N or M to Z? Can’t promise you DiCaprio but Paul Hogan is my uncle so maybe I could sort you out a cameo in Crocodile Dundee 14. Then we would be cousins and ride on matching Kangaroos which could be cool. Also, Lohan is always free, but you’d know that, she was your cellie right?

ABOUT US:

ANNA JAMES (photographed in most images above) is a journalist, has really good hair and is a future reigning Little Mess Australia Her website lives here (www.missannajames.com) and she talks about herself on Twitter (@missannajames). She is, basically, really important and famous for being Funny Or Die famous after this interview. Like Nicole Russin, she too has shared a hot tub with an old man.

NICOLE RUSSIN (photographed below) owns ane-magazine, official website, ELLE Spain blog and a really cool $0.99 USD/$0.99 AUD/£0.49 cookbook on iTunes. If you’re into stuffing your face with fattening dessert, she has a free full COLOR/COLOUR! cupcakes cookbook on iTunes as well. She’s been on a hair dye box!

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Nicole Russin likes long walks on the beach.

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