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January 29, 2016

It's great that Mattel has released three new Barbie body types, but here are suggestions for 33 more they could try.

This week, Mattel released three brand-new body types for Barbie: curvy, tall, and petite. Wow. Mattel, I salute you. What an incredibly feminist change for this iconic toy brand. I never thought I’d see the day they would acknowledge that not every woman has a tiny waist, tiny hips, and huge breasts, but that some of us are, in fact, tall. Or petite. Or, can you imagine, curvy? And sure, I can barely tell the difference between curvy Barbie and regular Barbie, but when I squint, after drinking a lot of wine, I think she looks a lot like me. This will do wonders for the self-esteem of little girls everywhere, to know that when they grow up, they too can become curvy, tall, or if they’re very lucky, petite.

While we can all easily agree that this is incredible feminist progress on the part of Mattel, I can someday envision a world where there are more than three types of women. Call me crazy, but I think it can happen. Because it’s funny — despite the fact that we’re constantly put into a small number of body types, I’ve noticed that real women’s bodies are all different and unique! Can you believe that? Like snowflakes! Here are just 33 different types of Barbies that Mattel could add to more accurately represent women:

1. Pear-Shaped Barbie
This Barbie has small breasts and wide hips. Isn’t that fun? Your daughter will love playing with her almost as much as Curvy Barbie!

2. Shoulders Wider Than Hips Barbie
Some might say she’s boy-shaped, but we just call her Ashley!

3. 5'4" With Big Butt, Big Breasts, Big Waist Barbie
This Barbie looks great in all her outfits because she’s extremely self-confident!

4. 5'5" With No Curves At All Barbie
Her defining characteristic is that her waist doesn’t go in at all. Just kidding, it’s that she’s very good at math!

5. Small, Sturdy, Athletic Barbie
This Barbie runs marathons. Yeah. She’s legit.

6. 5'2" With 34D Breasts And Teeny Tiny Hips Barbie
Your daughter will love going shopping for this Barbie — it’s impossible to find dresses that fit!

7. 36DD Breasts, Large stomach, Stick Legs Barbie
We would accessorize this Barbie with high heels, but she doesn’t care that she has great legs. She likes being comfortable!

8. 5'6" And Only Gains Weight In Her Stomach Barbie
Sometimes this Barbie feels like her body is a blessing and a curse — her face always looks thin, but gaining weight in your stomach can be a sign of a proclivity to cancer!

9. Tiniest Waist Ever With Very Well-Developed Thighs Barbie
Ken goes crazy for this Barbie, but she doesn’t care because she’s too busy to date right now.

10. Gazelle Legs And Tiny Breasts Barbie
Your daughter might recognize this Barbie from her modeling photos, but will be surprised to learn that she moves awkwardly in person!

11. Tiny Frame So Small She’s Tired Of People Telling Her She Looks Like A Kid Barbie
She’s not a kid!!! Stop asking, OK?

12. Awkwardly Long Arms That She Never Knows What To Do With Barbie
This Barbie comes with lots of accessories like a purse, a coffee, and a paperweight so she always has something to do with her hands!

13. Breasts Not As Perky As They Used To Be Barbie

This Barbie is in her 40s and is a journalist that has interviewed over 50 world leaders around the globe in her illustrious career so far.

14. Can’t Even Notice Her Body Because Her Hair Is So Beautiful Barbie
Nobody has ever seen this Barbie’s body because they can’t stop staring at her hair. We call her Connie Britton.

15. 6'1" With Breasts That Point Slightly To The Sides Barbie
Your daughter will love playing with this Barbie since she looks so similar to you! Plus, it’s a blueprint for what she’ll look like when she’s grown up! Neat!

16. Muscles, Muscles, Muscles Barbie
This Barbie works out ALL. THE. TIME. Seriously, you try getting her to skip a workout!

17. 5'11" But You Wouldn’t Know It Because She Hunches To Appear Shorter Barbie
Sure, this Barbie feels uncomfortable with her height, but she isn’t shy about making the first move.

18. Huge Stomach Barbie
This Barbie is pregnant! Women sometimes become pregnant!

19. Jacked Arms And Very Cellulite-y Butt Barbie
For some reason this Barbie has legs with a lot of cellulite, but it’s really easy for her to build arm muscle. Why is that? Who cares?!

20. 32B Breasts And No Right Leg From The Knee Down
This Barbie was born with a birth defect that caused her to lose her leg, and she’s the most popular girl in the senior class!

21. Ankles So Small It Looks Like Her Legs Will Snap Barbie
Your daughter will love playing with this Barbie — and don’t worry, she won’t break. She’s much stronger than she looks.

22. Wrinkly Skin Barbie
Maybe this Barbie’s exterior isn’t all smooth and plasticy, but she’s still all woman inside!

23. 5'10" With Spectacularly Developed Calves Barbie
Your daughter will love this Barbie’s extra-wide boot accessories, which are impossible to find in stores! Not just difficult to find, literally impossible to find!

24. Mastectomy Scars Barbie
This Barbie has two mastectomy scars AND two masters degrees.

25. 5'3" And Carries All Her Weight In Her Hips Barbie
This Barbie is tired of men yelling at her from the street that she’s got “child-bearing hips.”

26. Disproportionately Large Feet Barbie
This Barbie seems unremarkable until you can’t stop noticing that her feet are so big! Fun for the whole family!

27. Prepubescent Barbie
This Barbie actually IS a child!

28. Skin Rolls From Weight Loss Barbie
Your daughter will love playing with this Barbie who made healthy life choices and feels better than she has in years!

29. Has A Penis Because She Doesn’t Let Sex Define Her Gender Barbie
This Barbie has male genitals!

30. Sweaty Barbie
One out of five women is an extreme sweater. Five out of five women believe that they are the one woman. This Barbie is the real deal!

31. Thighs That Are Very Skinny Toward The Knee But Triangle Up Into A Surprisingly Small Butt Barbie
This Barbie always surprises other women in the gym locker room as they sneak furtive glances at each other, but she’s the best at spinning and garners everyone’s respect.

32. 5'9" With Perky Breasts So It Always Looks Like She’s Leaning Forward A Little Bit Barbie
This Barbie will become your daughter’s favorite — because she’s an excellent chef!

33. Barbie With A Flat Looking Top Of Her Tummy But With A Bottom Fat Roll That Sticks Out No Matter What Barbie
This is one of our most popular Barbies because every single woman can relate to her no matter what their body type, goddammit!

Those are just a few suggestions. The list could go on to about 3.52 billion. Can you think of any potential Barbie body types we missed?