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Help wanted

 

Like Rats? Know how to smile? Infestco has a job for you. Infestco has been secretly controlling the country for about 120 years now. We used to make pudding, but now we do this. Our company was started by Augustus Whorshington; he’s long dead (of the cancer), but his specter still haunts Infestco headquarters—some say he’s that noise you hear when everything goes quiet in the break room. In any event, we believe the ghost of our founder will inspire you to succeed at Infestco…and maybe sodomize kittens in your free time (because I didn’t used to do that until I started working here).

 

Now hiring Rat Squeezing Associates

 

As an RSA, your responsibilities will be squeezing rats until what’s inside ‘em spills out, and then cleaning whatever goo falls on the floor with a dust buster (which has been on the fritz lately; whisker clogs and all). You’ll also work in the Infestco Fun Zone where children will pelt you with cheese and rob you of all dignity with their piercing, shrill laughter. You’ll be expected to hide company secrets—and wait until the customers leave before crying. (Because if you don’t, I’ll give you something to cry about mister/missy!) Then there is the cellar—you have to go into the cellar twice a day—what are you, a pussy? Get in the cellar! Other responsibilities include: light clerical...and everyone cleans the crapper alternating weeks. (I did it last week, so it’s your turn.)

 

Requirements:

At least one year of experience working with the major software programs associated with rat squeezing (Dream Squeezer, Mozilla Gutsoft, Ruprect Verminator, and MS Excel). Must be able to lift 70 pounds…over your head…and spin very, very fast…while singing “Poison” by Bell Biv Devoe (you know, “never trust a big butt and a smile, that girl is…”). Some college required because your inflated degree proves you have the intellectual capacity to avoid soiling yourself with your leavings, and no, DeVry doesn’t count (Trainco is acceptable—Wilfred Beauty Academy? Let’s talk). Must be a self-starter—time to lean? Time to clean…rat guts.

 

RSA’s enjoy the following benefits:

 

Two bathroom breaks per shift (one number one, and one number two)

 

1 free pair of Mick Armstrong Rat Handling Gloves (but you go through them pretty fast when you’re on the “floor”)

 

Leatherette carrying case for the Mick Armstrong Rat Handling Gloves

 

Rat satchel

 

(For an extra charge, ear goggles are provided so their little screams don’t haunt you—the ear goggle rental is withdrawn from your Infestco account automatically!)

 

Paid hospital time (up to two hours, parking not included…and don’t fool yourself, there will be hospital time buddy boy—I lost a finger, and I’m good at this job. You get rabies, you’re on your own!)

 

Daily grab-ass session (female employees excluded—this is our thing ladies)

 

20% discount on sassy, required Infestco beret (you must wear your Infestco beret at all times, except when it’s time to go home—we check under your beret to make sure you didn’t steal).

 

You get to take home whatever scraps of rat leather that are left after…we’ll tell you later.

 

Pay commensurate with rat-handling skills, including anus removal and tail preservation, but whatever the case, it’ll only be a living wage for you if your lifestyle smells of urine and hobo bindles.

 

Harassment? We don’t know ‘bout no HER-ass-ment. No drug tests, but daily random anal probes (so don’t keister your stash). No Mexicans, we are not an equal opportunity employer. A division of Halliburton. Member FDIC.

 

Interested candidates should fill out the four-page application available online. Be sure to include a detailed cover letter answering the question “Why do I prefer Infestco to Jesus?” Make it good; you’re competing with a bunch of unemployed master’s degree holders and my nephew Philberto (who’s been threatening to tell his mother about the incident). So go ahead, apply lest Sallie Mae makes you her bitch, College-boy! Where’s your Obama now! Where’s your Obama now!

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