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August 30, 2012

I think we can all agree that The College Years sucked, but what happened to everybody after college? The last time we saw them all, was Zack and Kelly's wedding. Let's join back up with our favorite Bayside alumni 5 years later.

I think we can all agree that The College Years sucked, but what happened to everybody after college? The last time we saw them all, was Zack and Kelly's wedding. Let's join back up with our favorite Bayside alumni 5 years later.


Zack and Kelly


Shortly after getting hitched, Zack is forced to drop out of school and work two jobs in order to support Kelly and her ever-growing shopping addiction. It seems Lisa transformed Kelly into a shopaholic, as well as kind of a bitch. Zack takes a job as a car salesman, and despite being a smooth talker, it doesn't go so well. After going two weeks without making a sale, Zack is fired, and comes home to find Kelly in bed with Professor Lasky, and that dude Jeff that used to work at the Max. Zack is devastated and returns to Bayside to hang with his old buddy Screech, who is currently working there as a Belding's assistant. Screech, Belding and Zack all go to a strip club, and after a wild night of partying, Belding offers Zack a job as the head football coach. Zack has very little to no football knowledge whatsoever, but Belding owed him. Zack gave Belding plenty of memories. Zack took out Belding's niece Penny that one time, and also he delivered Belding's baby in the elevator. Who the hell has that kind of relationship with their high school principal? Zack Morris, that's who. Needless to say, Zack's coaching debut is horrendous. The offense seemed to have no rhythm and their defense was stagnate and ineffective. Zack tried to meet with his players to fix the problems, but every time he called a timeout everybody just froze, and no one would move or speak until Zack said, " Time In." The team went 0-4 in Zack's first 4 games as coach, and right before game 5, Zack was fired when he was discovered making cardboard cut outs of the head cheerleader Katherine Kanowski.


Jessie Spano


Jessie makes the Dean's list her first two years at Stansbury. Then one night during Junior year, she begrudgingly attends a frat party with a friend, and it turns out to be a pretty wild party. Everybody was doing caffeine, like hardcore caffeine. Jessie succumbs to temptation and winds up taking 4 NoDoz and drinks two sodas. By the end of the night, she had banged every guy in the frat. A month later she finds out that she's pregnant, and attends a taping of the Maury Povich Show with forty dudes. In a shocking unlike any other Povich episode before, it is revealed that none of the forty dudes are the father. They all jump around the stage and high-five each other, and Jessie breaks down in tears while screaming, " I'm So...So....Scared."





Nobody really ever gave a shit about Torrie right? I don't know. Umm, I guess after high school she just kind of......either gets mauled to death by a Grizzly Bear, or gets into a bad motorcycle accident. Then while waiting for the ambulance, she gets mauled to death by a Grizzly Bear



A.C. Slater


Slater realizes in college that he isn't as good of a wrestler as he thought he was. There is a lot more competition in college. He's not just wrestling the same dude from Valley every week. There are several colleges in the Pac-12 with high quality athletes, and Slater gets owned most of the time. Slater is introduced to Jose Canseco by Bob Golic, and buys some performance enhancing drugs. His wins his next five matches, but is soon drug tested by the NCAA. He fails the test and is subsequently kicked off the team. Shunned from the wrestling community, He has no other option than to buckle down and focus on his studies. Slater then graduates at the top of his class with a Sports Management degree, and returns to Bayside seeking the head football coaching job, only to find out that the job was already offered to Zack. Heartbroken, Slater drives to a nearby bar and gets shitfaced. Then upon leaving the bar, he hits a motorcyclist with his Hummer. Slater flees the scene of the accident, meanwhile the motorcyclist is alive but is very badly injured. A good Samaritan calls an ambulance, and while waiting for it to arrive, the motorcyclist is mauled to death by a Grizzly Bear.


Lisa Turtle


While attending fashion school in New York City, Lisa catches the acting bug. She becomes enthralled by theater, and begins performing on Broadway. She auditions for the part of the black swan in Black Swan, but in a case of reverse racial profiling, she is denied the part. The director felt giving the black swan to a black actress would be insensitive, and instead offers the coveted role to the far less talented Tiffani Smith ( the chick from California Dreams). Lisa is crushed when she doesn't land her dream role, and begins binge drinking and staying out all night. She soon drops out of fashion school, and spends every night in the city partying. Her self destructive ways cause her to wind up flat broke, and when her parents refuse to give her any more money, Lisa decides to move back to California. Once in Cali, Lisa gets a job at a strip club, and begins stripping under the exotic name, Lark Voorhies. She finally hits rock bottom when she wakes up one morning after a long night of stripping, and finds herself in bed with Screech and Mr. Belding. Zack would've been there too, but he was pursuing this hot chick he saw drive by on a motorcycle. He would've had her too, but she......Well you know what happened.