Donald Trump visited with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto during a surprise visit today. See below for a leaked transcript of the conversation.
PALACIO NACIONAL, MEXICO CITY, MEXICO
Mexican President ENRIQUE PEÑA NIETO (EPN) sits at his desk, on a phone call.
EPN: Sí, mis hijos están haciendo muy bien, la señora Clinton. Muy agradable para hablar con usted—sí, absolutely—
All of a sudden the heavy oak doors BURST open and in walks DONALD TRUMP, wearing a red hat reading: “Make Mexico A Wall Again for The First Time.”
TRUMP: Ah, Petite Nieto. Look, I’m so glad you accepted my invitation to have you invite me to have a chat with you. I love negotiating, I’m amazing at it.
EPN: Ah, Señor Trump. Actually, I was the one who invited you—
A beat. EPN takes this in.
EPN: Well. Hola y bienvenido a Mexico!
TRUMP: Speak English, okay? You’re in the U.S. now, and if you want to come to this country…guess what? You’re going to speak our language, okay?
EPN: Ah, no–we are in Mexico right now.
TRUMP: Yea, and that’s exactly where you’re going to stay if you keep up with all this Spanish gibberish.
A beat. EPN starts to wonder what the fuck he was thinking. Oh well, TRUMP’s there, right?
EPN: Okay, well I was thinking we could start by addressing the drug trade—
Before he has a chance to even begin, TRUMP’s interrupted him. TRUMP has also, somehow, taken the President’s chair and EPN is now sitting on the other side of his own desk.
TRUMP: Look, we’re going to build a big, beautiful wall, and you’re going to pay for it, okay?
TRUMP: Look. I don’t know how many times I gotta say this, okay? You have to speak English. We are in America. And every single person in the entire continent speaks English, okay?
TRUMP begins to redden AKA his face turns a brighter shade of orange.
TRUMP: I can’t understand you.
EPN wonders: could he really be this stupid? If so…
EPN: Lo siento, pero no es posible.
TRUMP: I don’t know what that means so I’m going to go ahead and assume you said yes. Incredible meeting, I’m an incredible leader, and I did an amazing job here.
TRUMP begins to storm out of the room, briefly pausing to pocket some pens and fun size candy from EPN’s desk. His phone rings—it’s the heavy duty alarm, the one that you get for Amber Alerts and tornado warnings. Trump answers.
TRUMP: (on the phone) Hello? Melania? Who gave you my cell number? You know you’re not allowed to call me before 6 P.M. Look, I’m on my way home now. Please be sure to tell Chris Christie to pick me up a bucket of KFC and a side of ham, okay?
TRUMP continues his conversation as he walks out the door. We CUT TO where EPN is sitting—TRUMP has managed to build a small brick wall around him. He jumps and tries to shout over the top of it.
EPN: Trump—TRUMP! DID YOU BUILD A WALL AROUND ME WHILE WE WERE TALKING?! I’M NOT PAYING FOR THIS. ¡Estúpido idiota! ¡Tarado de naranja!
EPN’s phone rings. He cannot reach it over the wall.
EPN: Oy vey.