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Published September 24, 2010 More Info »
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Published September 24, 2010

As a fan of Jung and mathematics, give me a 4x4 matrix that distills Jung’s theory of psychological types into an understandable and useful form like the Myers Briggs personality inventory (MBTI), a Vietnamese delivery menu, and a bag of gingersnaps, and I don’t leave my domain for at least 48 hours. But in our capitalistic society, sixteen personality types may be overestimating our vapid culture.

When analyzing people I have always applied a much simpler1x2 matrix: hooker (HO) or hippy (HI). (The word should conjure a strong enough image that I don’t need to describe the types.).


HO-HI 1 x 2 Matrix

Try this lens on. Examine people around you with respect to their commercial inclinations—are they hookers or hippies? The clues are always there. Pay attention to shoes, bracelets, clothing brands, reading material, perfumes/colognes, word choices, etc.

Although I still believe are one or another, a field test in South Beach prompted me to change the instrument of evaluation from a matrix to a continuum.

Hooker-Hippy Continuum


The impetus for revision came from a discussion in which a participant kept using the term stripper interchangeably with hooker. When I challenged the person that strippers and hookers are not the same, the flaw in my theory stuck out like a one-inch hair from a woman’s chin.

The sixteen personality buckets of the MBTI still seem too static, but perhaps distinct personality type milestones exist along the continuum, providing a contextual understanding as to precisely where an individual belongs.

Literal variances are the guide to understanding the figurative deviation in the types. If one starts at the far left at Hooker and moves to the right, undoubtedly the first distinction is Stripper. While strippers and hookers are aesthetically tantamount—face glitter, body spray, wardrobe from the Frederick’s of Hollywood Working Girl Collection—the types are not cognate.

Even though interaction with both may result in physical release, an incorrect judgment may have a noxious impact. To avoid the consequential masochism and self-reproach from a poor decision, internalize these five guidelines:

1. Strippers work in multiples of $20; hookers, in multiples of $100. A three-song private dance may cost you $60, but it’s significantly cheaper than the thirty seconds you give your lady of the evening at $500 a squirt.

2. Strippers say, “May I give you a private dance?” Hookers say, “I’ll take care of you if you take care of me.” The song may never last as long as “Stairway to Heaven,” but at least she’s up front and honest. The scarlet woman sets her trap with ambiguity. By the time she has her dose of sodium pentothal money is no object for you.

3. Strippers have bouncers in the foreground; hookers have pimps in the background. A line of defense is paramount for both working girls. Recognize the protection, and you will know the temptress.

4. Strippers market their services in the club; hookers work the phones and beat the streets. Don’t promote your ego to CDM (Chief Decision Maker). If she asks for your number, you’re being solicited. They’re known as Call Girls because they’ll call you.

5. Strippers aren’t concerned whether you have a condom; a hooker requires one. Your visit to the Velvet Room may cause you to make a stop at the Amoco on the way home to throw your boxers away, so your wife is unaware of your Sunday afternoon satisfaction, but have you ever heard of anyone getting pregnant or contracting a disease through a layer of cotton and denim? If you need a condom, don’t reach for the one in your wallet. Extra cash is the only thing you’ll need from there. Harlots always come prepared. She’s protecting herself from you, not you from her.

In our transactional society, whether it’s money, cigarettes, or information, people are always giving and receiving. To survive, one must understand the nature of the person on the other side of the relationship. The better one comprehends where the person fits on the Hooker-Hippy continuum, the better the interaction will be.

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