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July 12, 2016
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List of things to do when you get rid of your significant other

Things to Look Forward to Recently Becoming Single

  • Get a police sketch done of what you would look like with a beard.
  • Build your playing card pyramids without being hassled by nags of “It’s in the way of the TV” or “Stop doing that in the bathroom.”
  • Refer to every time of the day as “Beer 30.”
  • Hand feed your hungry hungry hippo all of the marbles.
  • When you see a pair of buxom twins walking down the street you can openly express yourself and give your buddies high fives and say, “Heck yeah, someday I’m going to find a woman who loves me and we’ll have twin girls of our own and raise them and love them with all of our hearts.”
  • Get a prostate exam in every state.
  • Have a night out with the boys until you all puke in your favorite bucket.
  • Pickle your toothbrush collection.
  • Purchase a tiny one-inch hat and construct a device around it made of magnifying glasses so the hat looks normal size and wear it around and make it your new thing.
  • Rearrange your kitchen drawers so all the spoons are in the fork’s spot.
  • Wink 13 times at the grocery store cashier.
  • Learn a new smile.
  • Give a peace offering to the neighborhood skunk.
  • Finish creating the new workout craze that will sweep the nation, Only Doing Sit-Ups and Eating Rocky Mountain Oysters.
  • Make ranch flavored Drano because it’s not stupid and pointless, it’s smart and good.
  • Set a picture of Pamela Anderson as your work computer background so people know you are back on the hunt.
  • Make a body wash suicide by mixing several brands of soap together.
  • Completely transform yourself into Skeeter from the hit animated series Doug. Your girlfriend always wanted you to look like Roger Klotz but you knew that wasn’t the real you.
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